cobaltika

i’ve been very quiet. not talking. not writing. lots of interior life. thinking. and scheming. some really outrageous contemplations. some with irons in the fire even. well. who knows? i am feeling pretty corked up. i can plod and pretend for quite a while though, as long as i have my imagination. and my nest and some books. melatonin is good too. okay, yes. artToys and a little red wine are crucial to sanity.

i almost made a post without an image. sort of because i have made no new ones. sort of out of rebellion. but then i found this image and she spoke to me. loudly. so i used her. also as sort of a plug. a reminder that i still have tons of good stuff in my etsy shop. and i am having a June Special, too. since most of my artTabling has been bookmaking lately, i am going to start selling the prepared books again. there are more. and more. daily. and also will be listing some handmade quilts on ebay this weekend. the fact is, i have to buy an assload of auto fuel at the end of june. taking margaret to california. she did the numbers and it was pretty scary. also, i really need to … clear out. so things are quite reasonable.

it is becoming very summer already. steamy in the morning even. every year i forget how much i hate summer clothes until i have to start wearing them again. summer makes me feel puffy and cranky. i have been considering eye makeup. and hydroderm. ha ha. not really. well, actually. sort of. and if i had a pretty neck, i would cut my hair, i think. maybe. probably not. losing some poundage would be ideal, but it seems next to impossible in a stuck state. it is comforting to know that things *can* change though.

ok. back to my cave…

i’m not sure if anyone lived here, or if it was some kind of community building. it’s the kind of place i would want to live in though. i love storefront windows, porches and living space above. right downtown. we ate our tuna sandwiches on a picnic table in the shade by a similar building. across the street from the main street pub and grill. i was surprised that at least a dozen cars passed by. it was past church time. then we hiked on the flint hills nature trail that had an opening in this little town. then we went to another old town. then we went to harveyville, because i wanted to see what these kids were doing with these old schools : the harveyville project. it is the kind of thing i would like to do, too. it was all quiet on that day and i was wandering around outside and heard hammering, so poked my head back to say hi, is it ok if i look? they said the inside wasn’t open today, but wandering was fine. they were building a chicken coop. they seemed nice. they had a cat who looked like phoebe, margaret’s cat, wandering in the entrance. we could see her behind the glass door and poked our noses up and the woman walked by and i felt embarrassed for snooping. i might want to go live in a school room and just make art and not be bothered by Real Life for about a week. that actually sounds really really good. wow. i got all these words out. i also saw that fox again this morning. he wanted a baby bunny for breakfast, but the bunny was too FAST. i rather felt sorry for him (the fox). he looked so ragged and hungry. three day weekend. i don’t even care that it is a working weekend. i’m just glad.

not feeling very writish lately, but am having some fun playing with images from a few small towns in kansas, visited last weekend, rather ghosty and soothing places. unfortunately, in bright midday sun, most of my images were not very appealing to me. it was really the kind of place that you just had to BE there. i’m glad i was.

not much going on around here this week. some unsettling things, pondering the future, etc. plodding up and down the hill to the office. how can the semester be done already? now the long dull summer sets in…such long days. long days. the weather has been wonderful. i was so afraid winter would segue directly to summer, but no. nice cool days and nights. so good for my utilities! rather worthless at the artTable lately, though i’ve been making my hands busy each evening, for as long as i can resist my nice smooth duvet and a thick book. i have been having most fun playing with a set of alley garage images though. there will be more on flickr, if they are not already there, click and see, if you like.

this weekend there shall be a half-price car rental. it is not quite in the budget, but we weren’t “prepared” for old saffire to die and need to stash staples and canned and frozen things in the house. otherwise, procuring food as a carless person is not that difficult with the farmer’s market downtown, the casbah, and dirty dillon’s within biking distance. even the quikShop has ben & jerry’s. it is payday weekend, so best jump on it now. a car means an outing, too, and we are going to some new old towns, exploring. and part of the flint hills nature trail, too. i also want to go to harveyville. it will be good to escape this town for a day. small treats.

mostly just a normal sunday around here, the last day of a pretty normal weekend. quiet, slow, dull, restful. and all etc. to be sure i was missing my family though. today. i woke and sent the girls some $$ via paypal - part graduation, part economic stimulus, part i’msogladtobeyourmother. that felt good. i received more than i thought i would and even though i know the whole thing is a joke, not doing a *thing* for the economy, and that they will just eliminate that much from my refund next year, well $$ is $$ and beggars can’t be choosers. so i shared, and bought some adhesives (gluestick and soft gel matte … mmmmmmmmm) and then socked away the rest. betsy called me early, on her way to work ALL DAY, a restaurant in Harvard Square gobfull of reservations. she sounds pleased with her summer job. that’s so good. then i called my mother. she did not sound too good, i am afraid she was doing too much scurrying, trying to prepare for family dinner at her house. she sounded tired and still-congested. she has never really recovered from her mess of the winter. i worry for her so much. but we chatted and laughed for a while. then flowers came. azaleas! followed by a call from margaret (of the azaleas), who was spending the weekend with my sister and on her way to my mother’s. i was jealous. i wanted to be with all of them.

instead i went to the artTable for a while, then decided to do my weekend duty in the basement. and had a GREAT clearing out time. 5 bags of fabric and scraps to the porch and picked up by a freecycler. 2 giant bags to the trash. much consolidation. it feels so good to release things that are … finished … in my life. then i made vegetarian tacos and guacamole. we ate it. then back to the artTable, where i am making some small “canvasses” and also clearing out stuff. i think my allergies might be finished. yay! later i think we shall watch an old hitchcock film. then sleep.

sleep seems to be my favorite thing lately.

nearing the end of a somewhat tedious week. hooray. sunday i made myself go out with my camera and wander a little. i am not sure if i am really burned out, or if i am just flabby from not using my eyes lately, but i felt very … forced. i had to work hard to find and see and capture. maybe i am just sick of my surroundings? i’ve never lived anywhere as long as i have here and i have gypsy blood, i’m sure. and a military upbringing. anyway, i found some things i want to play with a little. what else? oh my. the artTable is not very inspiring this week either. i’ve been working in my journal mostly. then wallowing and reading under the quilt my mama made for me. and full-blown allergies. my god. awful. snot flying everywhere. even the roof of my mouth has been itching for the last two mornings when i wake. i checked the pollen count. oak and mulberry. yesterday morning i saw a fox on the way to work. yes! a real one. and in a neighborhood. i was fairly close and watched him for a long time. he was ragged and very nervous. i wish my economic stimulant would come.

i felt sadder than i imagined i might, to see her disappear on the back of the tow truck, sitting up like a queen, proud and brave. and realized i had her longer than any other car i have owned. and what a big part of my life with the girls she was. when we bought her, in the fall of 2000 for $2000, we were all so delighted. to have such independence - flexibility - POWER! the girls loved the extra seats in back. they were so tired of begging rides everywhere, now *we* could be the drivers! and we were. saffire has been full of giggly girls more times than i can count. both girls learned to drive her and i’m sure she has been involved in a few situations i don’t even want to think about. i am in debt still, up to my ears over saffire - trying to keep her running so the girls could have transportation for all the things they needed to do. when they left, i decided she would now be on DNR status, receiving only vital fluids. i would no longer sink money into her. for over two years, she has been happily poking about town on the weekend errands, despite having been vandalized and having lost some important parts. but this weekend, she just stopped. on the next block over. last night i retrieved some belongings, but leaving her decorated with plastic stars and paper lei’s for her exit from this world. today i called the truck. he came. i signed the title. she is gone. she was a pretty good car, really.

bye girl. thank you.