cobaltika

i’m back. it’s bitterly cold.
my love for winter and snow seems to have perished as of november.
i was tempted to ask my uncle if he would rent me this house, as they do not seem to use it very often now. i could be a few steps away from my mama and keep an eye on her. grow a big garden. hey. it has electricity. indoor plumbing. and look. isn’t that a satellite on the roof? doesn’t that mean internet? i could exist! seriously though, it would mean filing for bankruptcy and losing my miniscule pension that comes in a few years. so i guess i won’t. but … so so tempted.

i don’t really much like it that my mama is feeling quite poorly and that we all feel better when “someone is around” for her. my sisters can’t do everything. all the time. so i am going to help. i can’t pretend, though, that i am not happy to get back in a little fast car and tear off to texas tomorrow to spend a long long weekend with her. i love being there with them. and it’s gonna be fun to armwrestle my mama until she at least lets me wash our dinner dishes! until next week then … adios.

it is turning into a releasingClearingout-type day here. the paintings that i thought to rejuvenate, i have decided to deconstruct. the good parts are cut out, the rest of the canvas removed from the stretchers and into the black trash bag. not all of them. some i decided to keep. one i am contemplating. the others though … GONE. it really feels good. i have also released the domain name “reconstructed-mind” which was my old whiney journal for 5 years. i still have all the archives, of course (safely stashed away). what else? oh!

etsy. i am going to be doing some clearing out there now, too. so if there is anything under consideration, one might want to go for it. i am going to unlist everything i don’t feel completely pleased with. and then add more things, that i have been shy about listing, thinking they were too big or costly or otherwise deemed “Not Right”. i am going to try to steer away from making objects “that i think will sell”. that doesn’t feel right, even though i do like making small things, i would like them to be more complex and elaborate, thus more costly. i stop myself about halfway through sometimes, thinking “no one will buy it!”. funny. then they don’t sell anyway. i like to make elaborate small things - photo objects, etc., big paintings, smaller waxed paintings … and books. both prepared and finished. so i am going to do that from now on. hear me roar? heh.

so there. now back to it. i’m not stopping until that black trash bag is full and out of the studio. then back to the magazine. and still another day off!!! wheeeeee!

this is not today, but it looks like it. i haven’t had a camera out, wandering, in weeks, it seems like. since i returned home from the holidays? it has been very cold and the sidewalks are often treacherous and i have been so busy and tired. yesterday there was a fresh and beautiful snow to walk out into at 7:30am, but there were no more AAA batteries for the pencam. and i didn’t feel like deciding what to take instead. i was late as usual anyway.

the first part of the week i am highly motivated and come home from work every evening and go straight to the artTable after dinner. by wednesday i am drooping and by thursday i am rebellious. it does not help that my space is incredibly cold, even with the little heater running. i also need to either find a new chair or a new way of working, because i am killing my upper spine. last night i just gave up and went to bed with a book. not especially better for my spine, but warmer anyway. i began reading The Road (Cormac McCarthy). and i did not go to sleep until i reached the end. jeez. i *meant* to get more sleep last night! but i could not stop. i am fascinated by post-apocalyptic culture and lifestyle and fantasize and actually dream of that world often. but i accept that my my visions are fluffy and idealistic (”back to nature”, simplicity, “people helping people”, etc) and that McCarthy’s vision is probably much more likely and accurate. terrifying and bleak. but it was a wonderful read.

anyway, it is friday thankgod. a 3-day weekend. and even though it will be a working weekend and FRIGID, i am glad for it.

these became so much fun. the first set is now up. the next one should go up tonight. and then??? i guess as long as my stack of hopeless polaroids lasts! (trust me. they are *not* worth tearing the collage off to see what image is secretly hidden!) they are good for Valentine’s or any loveOpportunity that might arise. i will even mail them to your crush! with a short message that you choose on the back.

i thought it seemed like a long time since i had updated, but maybe not. i have been living internally and sometimes the time passes differently then. like. what day *is* it? this weekend i decided to drag the big paintings upstairs and re-work/finish them. after over 2 years, i still have feelings for them and want them completed. there are layers and layers of work in them and i like that. but now i am covering most of it up and “purifying” them. i am most interested in pale layers and rich textures (visually - but smooth surfaces - and not too grungy) and somewhat surreal imagery and text. it is the hardest thing in the world to accomplish. (for me) but i have been trying. i do notice that it takes time away from making small marketable items to post on etsy. but last night i began altering some polaroids. turning them into valentines. i don’t like the first ones, but there are better ones in my head and if they work out, then i will show and list tonight. we’ll see… i am feeling very very tired and lethargic, physically, although there is much mental and creative activity going on inside. i am also always hungry. that’s weird.