cobaltika

this week is much better. especially today. 60 degrees in the early morning was quite refreshing. the wound is healing, despite discontinuation of the second scrip of antibiotics. i don’t care if you are not *supposed* to…my intestines and intuition told me otherwise. DanActive only made things worse, feeling injected with CO2 or something. but now, even though leaning toward re-invention and slightly frustrated with the present, so much better. and a 3Day weekend!!

have been rebelling against “shoulds” at the artTable, too, and have decided to just keep making those books anyway. they please me more than anything, even though i find myself apologizing constantly, inside and outside.

i have also decided to go ahead and visualize. and dream.

there. a picture. yesterday evening i wandered in my neighborhood alleys for a while. the ex-mayor gave me some seeds of a flowering plant i don’t know. i made some pictures. mostly old chairs, i don’t know why. mostly not very good, but i was glad to be out doing that thing. and glad to play with the images a little today. more on flickr. i don’t know where i found those polaroid mask things, but they are fun as hell and i would like to say thanks to the person. i MUST remember to bookmark…MUST. it is a working weekend, but not too bad. friday night traci came over and shared our dinner of pesto pizza made by ME. then we worked (she on her stamps and me on the magazine) in the artRoom and made lots of noise. it was good fun. my poet and i took a long walk in a new neighborhood this morning. and last night watched Northfork. this time i didn’t fall asleep in the middle. today i have messed around some more with layering paint washes, glazes, transfers … and i think i am liking them. i am feeling braver about messing with paint now. many tiny experiments on the table. it sounds like i have played all weekend, doesn’t it? but i have done my work quite nicely and am almost finished. also almost well. yay. there is still an ugly hole in my frontispiece and my insides do not feel quite right, but i have finished one antibiotic and decided to discontinue the other. it felt wrong. dangerous and toxic. i have been drinking DanActive and taking extra C. i wish i had some goldenseal, too. i feel quite content in this moment.

still no pictures. nothing new to show. what a week… mostly it was about having an infection, getting cut with a local anesthetic that didn’t quite take, two kinds of antibiotics, stomachache, lethargy, lumps of taped gauze on my frontispiece, reading and sleeping. and work, of course. and still so hot. not so much today, and it is even a little drippy and damp outside rather than crisp. i wish we could share some of the onslaught of liquid that those around us are having. but nada here.

last weekend i made some tiny painting experiments. with transferred designs. just color and pattern. i will look at them again this weekend, i suppose. i was not very impressed by myself. i did not sew my dotted skirt. i think this is the most dried-out i have been, creatively, in a very long time and it is scary and somewhat depressing. it seems there is nothing inside to translate into something visible. i just make colored experiments. i’m very afraid that my drone-ness is seeping inside and taking over. i wear boring clothes. i don’t dance. i do not feel tenderness toward myself inside. just … nothing. a plodding onward.

this is too maudlin to keep writing, so i will stop, as it is a new weekend coming up, and even if a working weekend, perhaps there will be some new enlightenment, some creative joy. i am always an optimist, if nothing else.

i have been putting off writing because i had no new image or artwork to accessorize my entry. the past few weeks have just been like that. nothing new. but hello bobbi? whose journal is this anyway? you can just write if you like, you know… so i am. not that there is that much. just because it is an exercise and i want to.

my new books came this week. the first new books i have purchased this year, i think. Acrylic Revolution and Foolsgold (susan g. wooldridge - also of Poemcrazy which i loved like crazy). i haven’t really opened Foolsgold yet. Acrylic Revolution didn’t have all the tricks i was looking for, but enough to keep me amused this weekend, i think. i might have to break down and buy some golden acrylic glazing liquid at the student bookstore, which will cost twice as much as misterart, but my order is already on its way and i didn’t get any and don’t want to order just one thing. and i obviously can’t wait. maybe i will sew my skirt, too. and who knows, as it is only in the 90’s, not 100’s this weekend, i might go out and make some pictures.

next. i have an infected cyst between my ribs in the front of my chest wall. it was a little lump for a long time and then it changed this week. so i opted for some medical attention. the worst part was getting on the scale when i checked in. now i have antibiotics and might get it whacked out next week. it is not that big, but it hurts and i am afraid i am going to do an Alien scene every time i move.

next. i have taken on a corporation. and won. i’m pretty stunned. margaret’s transmission in her “new” little 2002 Honda Civic that she took a huge bank loan for, should *not* have completely failed yet. but it did. suddenly and on a busy street. of course the car is out of warranty by now, and an estimate of over $3000 to replace is impossible for any of us. it has been a rough 2 weeks. i did research. and found this substandard transmission was a flaw in the car of this year and the one before that was never recalled publicly. hundreds of complaints of exactly the same problem. i wrote to the Honda corporation. it was a good letter. *really* good. explained how well margaret researched, her assurance that particular car was *the* right one for her, mentioned my first new Honda, mentioned our research, hoped there was some kind of assistance for the repair that i was not aware of. i did not succumb to outrage or make threats of any kind. none of that kind of energy. i just wanted to SAY. as a quiet small fry, i had no expectation of any outcome or even a response actually.

but on wednesday i received a call. we had a “case”. i was told how to proceed, to have margaret get the car to a Honda service center, rather than the private mechanic, where it was still sitting and waiting. we did. yesterday we had another call. Honda will pay 1/2 of the repair bill (which came to about $2400 rather than $3500. i am amazed. it is still a LOT of $$ and margaret will have to refinance her car to pay her part, but still… a response. and help. it never hurts to just ask, does it? and be nice.

so now, as i look for tiny new cars, i might also fantasize a little about the Honda Fit, rather than just the Toyota Yaris, even though it is more expensive…and the gas mileage not as good. of course i’m not getting a new car. but i have started fantasizing a little…

and that’s enough for now.

double-release melatonin seems to do a pretty good job. i can turn out the lights at 10ish and wake at 6ish. lots of amusing dreams. no 3am panic, with subsequent wakefulness for 2 hours. i *like* waking at 6, if i feel refreshed and ready. i like dawn. the light is so nice. this morning i was working on canvasses by 7:30. i am recycling old paintings and preparing canvasses of all sizes. my muse (or whatever) goes somewhere cool or fun in summer but i do not sit around on my hands waiting for that bitch to come back. i am busy. and ready. there are stacks of canvasses prepared with asian newspaper and gesso. there are stacks of recycled photos prepared the same. there are stacks of books. yes, also prepared with asian newspapers and gesso. i am ready. hello? hi! i’m ready! ok?

i also cut out my new skirt, acidy green cotton with small dots. but i did not sew it yet. i do not think i will be taking up sewing again for amusement. i was stunned at how TEDIOUS cutting out even a simple skirt with a pattern was. i can’t believe i even used to make the patterns…this all made me a little sad to realize.

despite furious activity, it has been a saddish weekend. it is very very hot, over 100. bright light pouring into my studio skylight, hurting my eyes. missing my girls like crazy. and restless, longing. i don’t even know what for. betsy called from washington square park in nyc. hi mama, i’m in the park, listening to jazz, waiting for jane to finish work. i rode the chinese bus from boston. i loved hearing from her, even though it was too short. her new thing is “i have to warn you, my cell battery is almost out…” i know she is not a big phone person, just like me, but i MISS her and want to hear her little stories and adventures. margaret has not called this weekend. i hope it is because she is having so much fun and not because she is miserable and holed up in her new apartment with her kitty and her TV and a dreadful headache. i never know. maybe she is mad at me because i cannot help her with the horrendous repair job for her new little car. i have written strongly worded letters to the Honda Co, but i doubt to hear a response. i don’t know what to do.

mechanical things are so wicked and tedious. my web host of seven years has fallen apart, too, it seems. too many mornings, i see my site is down, for half a day, no technical response to emails. they used to be so ON, incredible service, no down time. i think they have tried to be too big. it is so sad. bigger is not better. more is not better. i have been sneezing and coughing. i am sure it is a subconscious response to seeing the basement stairwell wall LOADED with mildew. ick ick. i will have to spray bleach and my poet will have a fit. and so it goes. now we will watch Science of Sleep again. it was free at the library. i need amusement and distraction badly.

after yet another painful and frustrating session of attempting to make paint do things, before giving up and going to lie in front of the fan and read, i looked into the bottom of the waterjar and realized *that* was what i was trying to do … or something like it.

yes, i will add golden crackle paste to my shopping cart at dickblick.

i am inclined to do nothing but whine about the late summer weather, as i always do this time of year, but that is so non-productive. it is why i am quieter. it is why there are few if any new images. however i am sick of feeling so lethargic, like a big greasy dumpling. only wishing to lie under the fan and read novels. even the office is so stuffy. hot hot everywhere. i can hardly wait to wear my fleece and boots again. be COOL.

there. i’m done now.

i have been trying to paint again. i really don’t know how. i went to the basement to pull out some old paintings to see if i had once figured it out. i was mortified and immediately began recycling them, covering with asian newspaper and gesso. now i have lots of blank new canvasses. i still don’t know how to paint though. there are textures and patterns in my head, but i just don’t seem to know how to layer to make those visions happen. it is very frustrating. a few weeks ago, i read the journal of a woman painter who has recently published a book on acrylic painting techniques. it didn’t look like one of those how-to-paint-a-puppy books, but seemed to be about texture and light and layering. that’s what i want. can i find the bookmark? NO.

any hints or links would be SO appreciated. i don’t want to copy, but i just need some new skills or tricks.