cobaltika

well never mind. here is my first and probably last phone cam image. BLEH. there was actually a little sun on the way home today and it was the only camera on hand. i was desperate. besides. isn’t that why i just *had* to have this razr upgrade (it was free thank god)? a. the girls said it was a cool phone. b. it had a camera!!!

it felt a good deal sillier to be pointing my phone at stuff instead of some little sweet crappycam. and i couldn’t see what i was doing anyway. and my fingers always miss the right button. then i came home and did not have a clue how to actually GET them. off the phone. the manual was not helpful. nor was the verizon website. i felt stupid, but i wanted the damn things so persisted. finally a couple of them (including one from last summer, where i finally gave up and left it in the phone) ended up at some flix and pix joint, where i managed to drag and drop them to my desktop. and they SUCKED! i tampered and glamorized, of course.

it was all such a pain and not worth it at all!! i can’t believe i wasted the whole evening doing this thing. i meant to go out for a walk. well at least now i know!! give me my jamcam any day!!

in progress: EAsTer - a zenCollage book about spring, religion, food, rabbits and female body issues.

after a fairly long (for me) “dry spell” in the studio, i began work this past weekend on a new book. i decided i wanted to spend the holiday weekend on a project with no expectation or plan. i have many prepared books, ready to be filled, but wanted to start with a plain and ugly book.

at first, i believed i would just cover up the pages and make a “book about nothing”. i did not want to use words, even random clipped ones. i did not want to work pale and grungy as i always do, requiring much drying and waiting time. i did not want to think, but only work intuitively, with happy busy hands. i wanted to use up a specific amount of ephemera, but not be overwhelmed with materials.

it was fun to see consistency and concept evolve as i started working, subconsciously inspired by the text of the book and the limited materials i had chosen to work with. i was working like a madwoman and that felt very fine. more images are on flickr, upon clicking the image above. this is the first layer of material, another simple layer of decoration will be added, but it is not going to be a complex and heavy book. showing only 5 of approximately 30 spreads does not do the tale justice, but more will likely be shared later.

normally, i don’t like to share work in progress. it makes me nervous. so this is a good exercise.

our weekend. home on friday evening. a release from dronedom for a couple of days. some red wine and a new book to begin. no. not read. alter. i think i will call it the easter book. my poet sits in my room and chats. he walks to the library to acquire a movie or two and some weekend reading. i feed the cat. he returns and eats leftover stirfry, but i wish for popcorn with the movie, so eating dinner *too* would be more food than i want. we watch Last Picture Show which i realize i did not appreciate as much when it was new. i loved the book more, i think. i want to go back to texas. instead i take my book (the reading one) to bed. then sleep and dream.

saturday morning. awake at 5. )-: up at 6. almost worth it to see the halfMoon causing the blue bottles in the window sill to sparkle. coffee. catFood. messing around on computer. watching the sunrise over the eldrige hotel, still visible until the trees have leaves. it is very very cold again. but i don’t mind. i was not ready for hot weather. i don’t think i could live in costa rica really. my poet arises and carries out his morning rituals. i begin the laundry. we go to the Merc for our groceries. i am now having a stomach ache. we return and have some baguette and olives for lunch. there is “fresh” mozzarella. from last week. but it smells funny and i won’t eat it. i eat some cashews. i soon wish i had eaten nothing. my stomach. ouch! but carry on. i want a clean bathroom and kitchen. then to acquire some garden dirt and mulch while my poet bathes. i am glad i did not plant the arugula and french breakfast radishes last weekend after all. but i want to plant them now. finally the chores are done and i sit down with the easter book again. and a glass of red which instantly makes my stomach feel better. hooray! but i still don’t feel like eating, so my poet grazes for dinner. then lies on the futon and chats with his sweet ex while she drives around Kansas City doing many errands before leaving for Japan this weekend. i keep clipping and glueing, trying not to hear after i catch the word “libido”. we later watch a Norwegian crime mystery, Insomnia. the cops wear topcoats and do not carry guns. it is all visually pleasing in a harsh way. more sleep and many strange dreams.

now it is sunday morning and i am drinking from my big white cup, in my nightie, and writing here. watching the sun rise. the cat is licking his tail in the cleanish kitchen. all of my family (except for betsy in Ireland and me, here) are at my sister’s today, engaging in easter revelry. i wish i were there. margaret and her boyfriend will have driven from Austin in her newish Honda Civic. with chocolate cupcakes. at age 18, she now has a debt load almost equal to mine. my mother will be there and lately talking on the phone is just not enough. i have not emailed my sisters often enough and they do not either. but i think of them every day. that is not enough. today i am missing them very much. i would like to see tiny kathy discover hidden eggs. the easter bunny has come to our house and jumped into our fruit bowl and laid chocolate eggs and jelly turds everywhere. silly thing.

time for more coffee. then onward. my! this was long.

being quiet. back to plodding peacefully. hmmm. where did i leave off? oh! i *did* get up and get dressed and go out and dig in the garden. since it had rained most of the week, the turf was nice and soft and easy to remove, so i finished a whole strip and then lots of the proposed zinnia bed, too! go me!! we took some hikes, watched some movies, ate some food and read books the rest of the weekend and on into the week. i actually sat at the artTable for a few minutes on sunday, hand-tinting some transferred images of the old buildings from the prairie ghostTowns. it was the first time i had tried with watercolor pencil and they came out quite well. then i managed to mess up the backgrounds with too much white paint, which ruined the sense of transparency. i haven’t looked at them again since, but maybe it is not as bad as when i stomped off. i made a few pictures, messed with them. tonight i think it is time to go back to the artTable. i am trying HARD not to beat myself up lately for being uninspired and so non-productive. that is pointless, really.

missing the girls a LOT. betsy finally sent me the most random email. i hope she is healthy and wise. at least margaret calls. and fairly often. sometimes i feel very worried that she is too unhappy, then next time we speak, all seems well. i guess i will just have to keep my fingers crossed for them all of the rest of my life. i know i wasn’t the best mama but i love them SO much and did the best i could and now they are out of my hands and i can’t really protect them. only hope.

my poet and i are wondering if we want to go to costa rica. there are amazing frogs there. and la pura vida. we also think about vermont. i don’t think i want to live in kansas for the rest of my life.

another reconstruction in progress. oh my.

this morning, i am playing with my cameras and the images from new films of yesterday in order to avoid both the artTable and the “garden” (which i still haven’t finished digging). i am still in my nightie and the bed is not made. it is sunny today. i have dusted off my Holga and put a step-up ring on her to hold a bundle of closeup filters and given her a snap-on cap. there is black photo tape holding her together. she hasn’t been out in a couple of years and is very excited. i don’t know where we will go yet.

and i want to take the new yellow plastic camera that traci gave me out again. oh oh! i like Sunny so much that i might not even put nailpolish in her eye. and the cheap film was excellent. i put some samples on flickr. also some black/white film from the Olympus XA2 and some film from the Valiant, who went to the prairie with me a couple of weeks ago. i think i am having an idea for a project, but don’t want to think or talk about it, because it seems i don’t carry things through. last night i sat at the artTable while my poet watched a tedious film of MacBeth and tore and cut up tons of started things and put them in the trash. then i poured the bottle of crackle medium that i never could make work into it, so i would be sure not to get that stuff back out. it felt both good and sad. we went to the art center yesterday and saw the preview for the auction. most of the stuff was not interesting to me, but i felt like a shit, what could i say. at least they put their stuff out in the world. i am feeling pretty unhappy about my work or lack thereof lately. sure there are some images. thousands of them. all sitting on a chip in my computer. whoopee. last night my poet asked if i were depressed. i don’t think so, not officially anyway, but i do feel quite melancholy lately. ick.

maybe i will eat ice cream for breakfast.