cobaltika

at the parking garage : pencam : march 2007

i have been feeling somewhat artLess so far this year and, lately, a little depressed to find myself *not* under the spell of new spring. it is always such a sweet time, visually and in other ways. perhaps it was the slow arrival of the redbuds? i don’t know, but yesterday they were out finally and i had my pencam and suddenly every mundane detail was amazing when framed with redbud (or forsythia. or bradford pear. or … and so on!).

finally i am feeling excited. i may even get my hands messy tonight!

today is better. i decided to perk myself up by wearing my elf boots, some patchouly, not brushing my hair and carrying my pencam on the way to the office. i was 15 minutes late, but so what. i don’t take smoke breaks and never go to lunch. the redbuds are late this year, but finally out. mmmmmmm. on gray days they are perfect. i ruminated while i wandered (but not in the bad way) and began writing a little book. it was nice.

spring is definitely here. it is very beautiful and sweet but i am having a difficult time finding my usual enchantment of the season. i could not say why. i seem to have abandoned peaceful plodding for discontent and restlessness. going away for a tiny trip did not help very much. it only made me more aware of how hard it is to get AWAY from here, especially if one only has a short time and limited funds.

i have been making some rather boring nature photos, but making NO art whatsoever the past couple of weeks. of course we were away, then it was magazine time, and lets don’t forget the fluorescent prison, so hours have been limited, but there is nothing that i am eager to begin. i don’t know what to do any longer. i am SICK of piddling. yet i barely have the energy for piddling. it is all so frustrating and circular. where is my real life?

end of small whine.

bank building : elmdale kansas : march 2007

we went away for a few days. a little roadtripping for spring break. upon return, i did not feel quite gratified artistically. i love looking and hiking in nature, even attempting photographic documentation. but i am really not a nature photographer, so i decided to take a trek to the prairie. i was looking for the “ghost towns” of chase county. which is a silly term, as there are people living in them quite peacefully. only about 50 per town, perhaps. and so many buildings abandoned. i wanted to claim each of them. but could only do it with my camera and mind.

more here.

getting caught up with imagePlay, etc. it is more fun than doing what i am supposed to be doing. probably i should have worked chronologically and done the arkansas and flowers first, but decrepit architecture is always much more compelling. plus i realize my camera was acting VERY BAD in arkansas. i was trying to do a new way of macro’s and it didn’t work. or maybe i messed the ISO. i don’t know! but they are next.

anyway. here they are. all of them.

it was a very cool day trip. traci, next time you *HAVE* to come, too!! ok?

i am back and it was good. a different type of little trip for me, but somewhat close to the meandering, unplanned road trip i have always wished to take. ok. sort of. we *did* go to arkansas. i *did* see many truly amazing hillbilly estates. and i *did* drive on mountain roads, the windy, shoulder-less ones that i was having horrid visions about. but i did GREAT. of course i had to do the driving myself. i wasn’t quite able to sit as passenger as i SUCK at that. it felt much too close to “the edge” to be on that side of the car. and i wanted to feel the car slow exactly when i wished for it to do that. it was very pretty, even though not green yet. we spent a night in Eureka Springs and i was very happy to be there again, even though there was not time for the kind of prowl i like to do in that place. but there was wandering for sure. next day we meandered, over some beautiful mountain roads and took two great hikes in state parks and saw 12 (11?) species of wildflower. we decided to stop in Fayetteville, got lost and ended up in an interstate motel, which is my least favorite. but it was very clean and quiet and the road next to it included an old barn and a cemetery for me to examine while my poet was in the bath. next day we were lost again as we looked for an obscure state park. then found it and walked for over 3 miles. it was not as lovely as the day before, but a good walk anyway. more wildflowers. a little brown spaniel joined us for the last half of the hike. he had a perfect haircut, but no collar or tags. he seemed to know exactly where to go. i did not like the part where we had to drive away and he stood and watched us. we took small roads home, because the interstate is very ugly, arrived home.

next day to Kansas City for errands and etc. another gloomy day. next day more gloominess was forecast, but i said fuck it i’m going to the prairie anyway. my poet did not wish to drive around under gray skies and traci had a chiropractic. so i went alone to the ghost towns of Chase County. and there was SUN. it was very very fine, although quite windy. i realized it was good i went alone, because it was the kind of dawdling and turning around and going back and poking around that would drive most crazy. i realize that many places no longer hold a sense of mystery for me. but these new towns did. i can’t wait to go back.

today back to the grindstone. tonight starting the magazine.

there are definitely pictures, but i have not had time to mess with them yet. maybe tomorrow. i am not very happy about my images lately, but maybe working with them, i will be happier. i don’t know. there is a little depression. maybe it is all these gray days?

so i guess we will go away today after all. we have a sweet little car and a few dollars and some days off and i have a little more energy and lessened anxieties. we will head southish (*not* texas!) but have no plan or expectations. we can stay or come back and go somewhere else instead. but we’ll probably see some mountains. finally last night i had good sleep. with GABA/B6 dreams yet! wheeee!

and yesterday i finally talked to Betsy, after two weeks of not hearing from her. she sounds very happy and rather enchanted with Ireland (and Irish boys. ahem.) and is trying to stay for a while longer after her internship finishes. and i talked to Margaret, who does not sound very happy and my heart aches for her. she is so young to be out in the world already. i have sent her a camera so that she might make pictures again. she is really GOOD. i think having a creative love is one of the most important things for mental health and inner happiness. it can be depended upon when people fail you. but i’m not going on about it now, though i have many thoughts. i have been reading of Ruth Bernhard and i know she can help me figure it all out, too. my philosophies.

now my poet is wandering restlessly, after consuming his energy potion. it’s not even 8am! i don’t like to move fast on weekends. and what are those raindrops doing on the skylight? but i will soon go throw some socks and cameras into a bag and get my hiking boots. onward.