cobaltika

home and duller than dog-do. it was a grand and busy time, away. texas was gorgeous. brilliant skies, colored trees (not as fine as ours, but pretty good for texas), Family, Food, Fun. all hectic and exhausting but of course i would probably turn around and do it all again in a minute. ok. maybe. i’m a little peopled-out, and would like to just hole up alone for a couple of days. not allowed. after the 12-hour drive home on monday, had to sit down and write the artHistory paper. at least i had the articles read. then back to the office and class on tuesday. finally unpacked and slept last night and what day is it anyway? oh. and looked at the 300+ images made. ugh. ugh. so depressing. what is wrong with me lately?

words feel awkward, too. so tired and scattered. maybe i am losing track of myself. the interior self? the one who writes (rambles) and makes odd photos? i feel so exterior lately. maybe i should make a little list of the good and bad of being away? hmmmm. i can work on it throughout the morning. everything will be very out of order. just like my head.

GOOD:
01. driving away with the poet, a credit card and snacks
02. exploring oklahoma? hmmm. maybe i should have a so-so list.
03. not having to sit for 2 hours on the interstate *anywhere*!
04. SEEING THE GIRLS!!!!!!!
05. so that i don’t have to list it over and over : hanging out with familia
06. KATHY
07. the royal bedchamber
08. wallowing with the girls on the bigSofa watching braindead movies
09. clambering on limestone at Pedernales Falls State Park
10. hill country rivers, pools, creeks
11. my poet finding 15 species of butterflies on patricia’s rosemary hedge
12. the color of the sky for two days
13. betsy & kathy feeding pam’s chickens
14. cooking a protein feast for margaret, like when she was a cranky toddler
15. my poet recovering in the dry texas hillcountry air
16. finding out i don’t really care about pie. or sweets in general.
17. Maguey’s Cafe in Boerne
18. feeling lazy and happy
19. candles at the Fredericksburg Herb Farm
20. Austin Motel - even the cowboy room with red bedcover is forgiveable.
21. a bike helmet for margaret. & thinking her boy will require her to wear it.
22. hearing betsy & kathy playing (until the big crash…then waaaaaaaaah)
23. 4 ibuprofens, a glass of red and my flannel nightgown
24. jeans fitting even on the day after t-giving

BAD:
01. discovering that breaking a trip into 2 days just means 2 days of driving
02. the “detour” i took to avoid interstate 35 from north of Ft. Worth
03. extreme anxiety when someone else is driving (would drugs help?)
04. oklahoma. we tried. but … it just creeps me.
05. so that i don’t have to list it over and over : oversized pickups & SUV’s
06. so that i don’t have to list it over and over : rude & unconscious drivers
07. the obviously fatal accident just past Johnson City
08. the obviously fatal accident at the intersection in front of mother’s house
09. the obviously fatal accident of the big rig in OK
10. so that i don’t have to list it over and over : waving “bye”
11. traffic
12. not having time to see “the canyon” discovered by my poet
13. feeling lazy and fat
14. the part where the girls acted like donkeyAss toddlers
15. feeling torn & wanting to please everyone all at once & singlehandedly
16. Wichita (since i am not breaking this list into sublists, one word will suffice)
17. clothing dilemmas
18. snapping at my poet. more than once.
19. wishing for My Own Home and not being able to even imagine…
20. time passing too quickly
21. that coughing noise King Tubby makes after living outside for a week
22. leaving the dried mesquite bean & strange pod in the rental car
23. the photographs
24. a mild discontent

that’s enough i think. there could have been many more good’s. and i had to think hard on some of the bad’s. although probably traffic and population issues could have made an enormous sub-list. it is shocking and terrifying when going out into the world. how can it all continue?

off to texas. family. home? i think so…

of course i will miss my Nest, my kitty, my artTable. ok. my iMac. but not my poet. as he comes, too. a roadAdventure in a tiny toyota. wheeeee!

#53 & #54 : november 2006 - two of 10. each unique.
mexican calendar, tissue, paint, found text & imagery, rayonThread

these are the last of this particular group. i meant to make a certain set to pass out along the country, like a Gretel, but … time time time. instead, as i have been a slacker at releasing lately, i have quite a handful ready to go with me. about 2 dozen small pieces to release between here and Texas next week!

adios.

at last at last. friday. the funk has lifted, the bleakness of earlier in the week has gone. i have SO much to do (in the next 3 weeks: 2 trips, 2 publications, 1 arthistory paper, 1 arthistory final, prepare for YAY The Girls!) , there is no time for black moodiness. still obsessed by coat-hunting, narrowing choices, *determined*. one will come, soon, i just know. yesterday it was nice to leave work a little early (still daylight!) and wander downtown and look and try on. i was tempted by the black North Face parka, but at that price it was just not quite right. then meeting my sweet poet in a dive for dinner, wandering back to the store to see what he thought about the coat … to Liberty Hall for 2-for-1 dvd’s for the weekend … home in the dark.

and then … TEA. no no no NO bobbi! no matter how much work you have to do, NO TEA at NIGHT. lying awake until 1:30, pissing every half hour. not a good night. amazing i feel so lively this morning.

when i woke and went to the kitchen to make coffee, i hoped my poet had played a little trick on me, and threw away all those cracker bits i left on the counter, so i would get all crazy about having mice. he swears he didn’t. he SWEARS. the cracker bits are gone though. so i guess those little black lumps on the counter *weren’t* burnt popcorn bits that flew out of the pot. mouseshit. MICE again! UGH!!!!! i haven’t heard or smelled them, though?

and then … Sad. of course i knew it would happen. galleries are dropping like flies. not just here. but seriously, it seems in our little town there is NO interest, certainly no commerce, around art these days. it seems the people possibly interested are the ones with the $8/hour jobs, who can barely pay rent and bills. the others who *could* afford, are often snobbish, supporting only certain well-known, or rather conservative, artists (and not well enough for those artists’ survival, i’m sure). i will admit there is a lot of “art school” art here, noisy with little substance, sometimes lacking in skill or beauty (and i don’t mean “pretty” - i mean a certain visual fineness that i don’t really know how to explain).

still … i dream. and feel certain that if i could build it. they would come.

but maybe not in this town. *maybe*. i still feel some possibility.

i did manage some images on sunday. the usual types of things. neighborhood grunge. it always pays to look closely, though, because i had *never* seen this door and knob before and now i am in love with it.

this week some type of crisis seems to be occurring within. or maybe i am just cranky. but the irritation level seems very high. mostly about art, though it bleeds into everything else, too. i think i am realizing that i am essentially nothing. and apparently with little talent or skill. *nothing* is working on the artTable. yes. the little pieces for encounteredArt. those are fine and fun. but as soon as i try to move on to something bigger, something i have in my head, block. nothing. it can’t manifest. sometimes i am so tired of trying. yet each night i do it. try and fail again. last night i finally got into the nest at 8pm so i would not have to deal with it any longer.

i know i have acquired some skill with the camera. but for some reason, an image on a monitor does just not have the value of something tangible (to me). i want texture, transparency, pale layers of color, secret stories and wandering lines. why can’t it work???

well. it has taken me *this* long to release the next 9 pieces. i think i will not hold myself to “scheduled” releases from here on out. it feels like a stress and this is not that kind of a project! the larger pieces, although more visible and obvious, and likely to be examined, are more awkward to put in a pocket or discreetly leave somewhere (i am still very self-conscious), so i think i will continue with smaller pieces. tiny treasures. there are two new sets in progress on my table, but this has been a busy week so far and no artPlay time. maybe tonight. and i will scan a couple!
i have also thought that i might use more mundane imagery and text in the next pieces. i tend to prefer glamorizing the mundane anyway and have thought of “altars to ordinary things”. the work i have been leaving out right now might be too obscure and “weird” for the places i am leaving in this little town. i have a (sad) picture of a college kid picking up the one left by the elevator and going “WTF?” and slipping it into the trash. sob.

in the upcoming month, i will be doing some travelling and that will be fun! i am going to work with my texas and boston images and get some small pieces ready to travel along.

spam comments have already been coming in and it is irritating. i really wanted to keep comments open, in case a “discoverer” would like to comment, or for fellow found-artists to discuss, so my fingers are crossed that the spam thing doesn’t get too awful. grrrrrrrr.