cobaltika

not much to write about this week so far. it is rather Same. ploddingness. not sleeping well on many nights, like waking at 4:30, not really worrying, but just unstoppable thoughts. monkeymind. like this morning. finally my back hurt and i was almost depressed from just lying there, so up i am. it’s cold. i need to dig out my flannel nightgowns and wooly socks now. last night we had the heat on a little. tonight is supposed to be colder. i love fall and am usually happier and feel excited when the cold comes. not quite feeling it yet, but i do love the smell of the dead leaves when i walk to work.

i feel a little deadened from the Sameness lately. i do like having a peaceful life and a sweet partner. and i guess a stable job and steady income are a good thing (even though the in/out balance remains the same). the office has felt so dull lately. i have busy work, sure, but i am not very needed. and sitting there all day feels meaningless and soul-sucking, more so than ever. i even talked to my boss about reducing to half-time next year. but how could i possibly afford that?

i think the worst is that i just seem to have no *interior* excitement. i don’t really depend on outside things to motivate and please me. sure, i like road trips and change of scenery, sometimes the mental alteration from a couple glasses of harsh red wine, or a new garment … something like that. but mostly i create my own stimulations … inside. lately there seems to be not much in there. occasionally a flash. this is mostly related to art and creativity. i am almost always having ideas inside, even when my hands are not working. but they are dwindling and becoming more precious. i’ve tried to keep my hands busy through this dull period, but that also feels meaningless. i am just *wasting* all that damned expensive golden soft matte stuff. last week i had a spurt of working on The Books, but now i just look at them and think WTF. WHY? i have no content for them. nothing to say. maybe i could just sell prepared books and let someone more inspired finish them? i need to create a product. or at least a body of consistent work. i know i have made lots of images. some of them good and interesting, but they are not Tangible. they are just digital files on a computer. pictures on a monitor. that is not enough for me.

i need to learn a way to keep the bit of excitement that *does*  manifest alive and work with that in the evenings. but how????  it just fucking drains away.  by 2pm i am a shell. this has been my whole life. i am so tired.

if it seems like all i do is wander around and point and click in my neighborhood lately, that would be somewhat true. i have also been working on LOTS of reconstructed books that i have not a clue what i shall do with, liberating books from the library free sale, eating and Buying Stuff. so not a very productive weekend, but fairly good. i have money-spending anxiety. but i realize i am in sort of a depression-era-stocking-and-hoarding mode. i’m not sure why. i can’t *really* afford to work only half-time. what was i thinking? today i made a soup of anasazi beans, tomatillos, mexican squash and peppers. the best part was the peppers, roasting them in the oven and sliding the skins off. they smelled so good. i pretended i was in new mexico again. maybe someday. then i forced my ass out of the artChair for a little walk this evening.
more pictures.

i am still obsessing over that tree, even though its end is near. this is the view from the alley, i think. or maybe from the next street over. where there is a gap between houses and the rising sun sets it on fire each morning. just as i am walking to the office. yum. in the afternoon, i walk home right under it and kick its leaves. i slept until daylight today, waking many times in the night, going back to another interesting dream. most involved some type of distress. they were all bizarre. lazy this morning. maybe we will go to the farmers market. it will finish soon. definitely to the free books at the library. like i *need* more old books to play with. but you never know what treasures you will find there! what else? groceries are needed. the kitchen floor is rather embarrassing. a friend of the poet’s and his sweet baby will come to visit today, but i might take the time to myself and paint or glue, rather than wander with them. i could probably use some solitary time, hmmm?

i am feeling restless and longing for … i don’t know. some kind of change, i suppose. i’ve been here for seven years, closing in on seven years at the office. this is incredible for me, the gypsy. do i have a seven-year-itch? awkward having it in combination with Fear. someone is already drumming this morning. a few houses down. or somewhere? surely it’s too early for homecoming game racket at the stadium? which we will hear all afternoon…it’s ok. i rather like it. i liked hearing the street party downtown last night, too, bouncing off the neighborhood houses. i heard funk music, one of the favorites on my iPod. i wanted to dance.

i could not be happier for this week to be finished. it seems i am back into the mode of living for the weekend. i do not like that. i try to maintain a pleasant state of mind on the weekdays, but the office time seems very long lately. i have been carrying cameras every day. mostly just to capture certain views of the most wonderful orange tree. and working at the artTable a LOT. maybe soon i will start to scan some of the pages of the books. they don’t make one bit of sense. they are just like collage sketchbooks or something. uniform and random at the same time. i’m trying to remember exactly what my poet said about them … not like sketchbooks, but some kind of preparatory work. i wish i could remember. he always says things so nicely. but that could be. if just i could expand upon them without getting all freaked out by the canvas. i don’t know. also it seems i am spending (or about to spend) a lot of money. hell. i don’t even know how i HAVE money. but i managed to buy betsy’s plane ticket from boston to austin for thanksgiving. and i am about to buy a new mac so i can give her mine to replace her stolen one. that all makes me nervous. since i spoke to my boss about the possibility of reduction of hours next year, i might be in some kind of hoarding mode, procuring things now knowing i won’t be able to next year. i wonder how long those big jars of Golden Soft Gel Matte will last? ha ha. i will be FORCED to find a new way to generate income. hopefully it will be something fun and creative? this is all just babble. bergman films are rather depressing. i still keep wanting to sew again. the end.

this is a new favorite image. it’s from FILM. and my Smena8M. i’m always pretty excited when i make images using film and actually LIKE them. i doubt anyone would love this as i do, but that’s ok. i have a bad habit of opening the back of the camera sometimes because i can’t remember if i have film in there or not. i try to do it in the dark, but sometimes Things Happen. i usually like the surprises. this is the remaining wall of a wonderful old garage or carriage house by our old studio on the east side. i have photos of it. i want to find them now. when i drove by one day, on the way to feed traci’s kitties, i saw it GONE and thought “that fucking developer! i thought he wasn’t going to tear down any structures???” so a month or so ago, traci and i were having a photo wander near there and went to investigate. it seems there was a fire instead of demolition. (yeah. right.)

we are having indian summer and there is a wicked wind out there. it seems evil. the whole world seems evil this week. but i know it is not nature that i should worry about. it is the people. i try to be openhearted and conscious, but sometimes living as an alien, with my head in the sand and trying not to pay attention to all of the IDIOTS in the world seems preferable. but then i feel guilty for not Doing Something. what in the hell could i DO? really.

i found some:

the old garage by the studio. digital infrared. summer 2003.

the old garage by the studio. manipulated. summer 2002.

tonight: a curry made of kale, tofu and butternut squash. omigod. mmmm!

oh well. “take a picture. it lasts longer.”

i should have. where is my beauty hair? i washed it right out! despite the use of Sap Moss conditioner, spray-on Brilliant and a blowdryer, i can’t make my hair look like that again. i guess i need one of those straightening irons? is that the missing element? i fear so. my beautiful sleek hair of the weekend is now back to Same. As. It. Ever. Was. and on monday, at that. pooh. oh well. i was nearly thinking i was going to need some high heels and a rhinestone and pink purse for my chihuahua or something, having a hairdo.

but it was fun while it lasted.

ps. i almost stepped on a copperhead last evening. don’t tell my mother.