cobaltika

again. awake too early. i think the reason sleep is difficult lately is because of the change of season. i usually feel more excited and alert at the coming of spring and especially the coming of autumn. and autumn *is* coming! every morning, i feel it. in the woods, i see it. soon i can get out my clumpy boots again. hooray!we have been on a movie binge in the past week. i guess i have seen more movies since meeting my poet than in years. last week when we were sick, we contemplated watching DVD’s on my laptop (we don’t have or want a television), on friday when we were still feeling a little limp, but were trying out “holiday spirit”, we decided to give it a try. he went to the library for free DVD’s, came home with some. we stacked the big art books on the coffee table, as a pedestal for the powerbook, made popcorn (not microwave, thank you), loaded “Bon Voyage” and … instant home theatre! wheee! but that didn’t keep us out of the theatre … a movie on monday *and* on tuesday, which is two-for-one at Liberty Hall, my favorite. we walked downtown to see “Little Miss Sunshine”, which seemed like it might be too hokey to be tolerable, but was a great surprise. and music by DeVotchka!!!! it fit perfectly!

it has been fun, but i’m probably a little tired of movies for … um … at least the rest of the week. there is art to be made, and a box of oil paints and supplies to pack for betsy. i loved working with oils, but i know i will not use them in the house and there is not a studio in sight … so they are hers. i am glad she will be painting again.

i have never figured out why every time we go to the former Pochi (now Indo) cafe downtown, traci’s food is *always* better than mine. even when i order something i have seen her order before, i look and sure enough she has something *better*. i can NEVER figure it out! perhaps next time i will not be so clueless and whatever she orders, i will get exactly the same. that should work! i believe my food actually made the best image, but hers tasted 100% better. the we wandered in our old studio neighborhood and made pictures. that was good.

despite a holiday making this a short week, it feels interminable. the office is very quiet, though i always have plenty of “busyWork”, which i can put off for years. the fluorescents feel so bright, and my brain and spirit feel sucked right away. i seldom complain about my work now, as i did a couple of years ago. i am mostly resigned to it. there is really no choice. it is a very decent place to work and the pay is ok. my boss is not a micro-manager and i have much autonomy. i have paid vacations and sick time and insurance. there are no creepy people here to deal with. i have lots of debt. and two daughters in college who still have occasional financial need. but sometimes it all seems painfully meaningless. being here every day for 9 hours. sometimes i feel like i have so little time to myself and for the things that seem most important. yes, living with my poet has changed things a little, but in a sweet way, really. i love my time with him and he is *not* demanding. he knows i am not a sit-on-the-sofa-and-hold-hands type when i come home. but i may as well be, for the amount of energy i have left at the end of the day. i just do not have creative energy left. and there is so much to DO on the weekends, that when i steal a day, spending it at the artTable, it means something else is NOT getting done, that also needs doing. and i am a person with a very simple life, really. it seems i just don’t organize well and conserve my energy perhaps? i don’t know! but lately i feel i am wasting my life. dribbling away my days.
i also catch myself dribbling away “my time”, too. piddling at the artTable, not brave enough to work on the (millions of) things in my head, knowing there is not enough time and energy to focus anyway, so why bother? instead just working on JUNK. little CRAP. never any attempt at marketing myself. hell. what would i market anyway? i look at my images and know they are good. but what do i do with them??? something bothers me about an image in a mat in a frame. i kept trying to make *objects*, stand-alone items, involving the images, but they turned to glop. i realize i started this when i did not have confidence in my images, perhaps i was trying to disguise them somehow? acknowledge that they were less important? now i see they are good. but i still don’t know where to go with them. and i still wish to make objects - composed of many materials, the ones i love to glue together, but i have been greatly inhibited about trying the new things and instead continue with the old things i am sick of. god it is frustrating. all of it! and on top of it all i now want a sewing machine so i can start working with cloth again! but i’m sure i would be too damn lethargic and busy to do the things i wish with *that* too. ERF.

awoke far too early, so read 2 chapters of art history before daylight. i do not love, but am enjoying medieval art & architecture this semester … so far. i am SO glad not to be studying spanish again. 4 semesters was enough. and i am still so disappointed with myself. i feel i should KNOW it now. but i would freeze and not remember a word, if a conversation in the language arose. how could i study that long and still not get it? so embarrassing. it is nice to just sit in the big dark auditorium again and look at fine things and listen. i am not really sure why i am doing this. i don’t think i am going to grad school.

on friday, returning from paying the rent, we decided to be “on a holiday” all of the long weekend. then we looked at each other. and asked “how do you do that?” neither of us were sure. we are such aliens. fairly anti-social and certainly not traditional. we decided it meant we would do whatever we felt like. we watched a movie on my laptop on friday night and ate popcorn. that was good. on saturday we took a long hike along the levee, went to the farmer’s market, shopped for food, cooked (more cornbread and ratatou…oh no. never mind.)i guess we read all night. yesterday was the Bad Girlfriend day. sometimes i can’t believe how much shit from my past i still drag around. guilt and shame and resentments. ugh. but i did get an entire book almost made. today we saw The Illusionist, which i thought was lovely, but he thought was pretty lame. since i am in a pretty sappy mood, it was very appealing to me. besides, the concept of magic is always thrilling. we walked at the wetlands for a while, then tried to eat downtown but everything was closed, so came home and had leftovers. laundry is being done. something is wrong with the plumbing and the basement drain is overflowing.

i felt betsy out over the las vegas thing and she did not go “oh mama! i will be so glad if you come!” so i took that as a sign… i guess she forgets how much fun i can be… oh well. i should not spend the money, i know. i wonder what margaret did today? i wonder if i will ever not miss them?

nearly the entire day was spent at the artTable. now i understand the value of having all of those prepared books made. when one gets a hair up one’s butt to finally make a book that one has been thinking about for the last two years and wishes to give as a gift in about two weeks, then it is good to have approximately half of the work done. now it is dark, the day over. i have a backache, a headache and i feel like a Bad Girlfriend. i am going to eat (more) Tings and wonder if i want to meet a sister, her friend and my betsy in las vegas later this month. well i know i *DO* want to … but should i spend the money? and would betsy mind having to share her bed with me? i want to hang out with them so much. even though it is the weirdest place in the world. i have only been once and it was so strange and trippy. like an adult disneyland. we stayed up all night eating seafood, watching shows (including Sigfried and Roy oh my!) and playing roulette at 4am at Caesar’s Palace. i could do that again! (for a very very short time, of course). i wonder if betsy would mind, or if i would be a damper on her fun with aunt trish and ana? maybe i will just ask her …

good for me. i put that pencam around my neck this morning before setting out for the office. this bike is parked in the same place every day, by the stickery bush i go around to push the button to “walk” at the intersection where i nearly die at least once a week. everyone is in such a hurry. the pencam does odd things to metal at an early hour of the morning when the sun is peeking out. but i like.

so yes. a long walk. with the poet. and my camera.

here

i am happy about these images, too. this is the second time in a couple of weeks that we have walked together and i have managed to make likeable (to me anyway) images. funny, when we first started walking together, in nature, i couldn’t make a proper image for anything. i was so self-conscious. also Nature is just not my thing, visually. i now love to BE in Nature. and i can tell that these past few months that i have been re-introduced to the natural world have been transformative, but i will never aspire to do Ansel Adams type stuff. i don’t even *like* that kind of photography. but i like having a vision come to me and capturing … and making it BE in my head *and* in reality. i can’t make the words. but it was pretty fucking exciting.