cobaltika

now i am remembering why it is so difficult to commit one’s self to daily writing and documenting of ordinary life. sometimes there is just nothing to write! (”i’m still sickish. spent the day in the office. hohum.”) funny, i wouldn’t have trouble making a collage every day. or a little painting. or images. hell, it would be hard to stop at ONE, but writing…it is so hard to squeeze these words out. sometimes i wonder why i keep trying? i can recall the time when writing so much, and online, had the feel of breaking myself wide open, being exposed and vulnerable, and it seemed a very good and useful thing. especially after growing up closed tight. always. my whole life. maybe now it is not so important? maybe just keeping track of the everyday things is fine. but i don’t like the feeling of closing up again. and i have been feeling it.

regardless, we are both nearly well again. my snarky airway is lingering a bit. my poet made a wonderful soup for dinner. he called it chili. butternut squash chunks, pinto beans, onions, green pepper, chipotle peppers, tomatoes … mmmmmmmm. it is a long weekend coming. i want long walks with my camera. the weather is changing and it is very fine to be outside. i wonder how far we would dare drive my car? it would be nice to go a little way from town. but usually it seems unwise to drive further than we are able to walk home if it breaks.

i have been wondering if i want a new sewing machine.

now the weather is changing, i *really* need to be carrying a camera every. single. day. the same old scene along the same old route is being transformed by a fresh green-gold light every morning. there is absolutely no excuse for not hanging the little pencam around my neck. it surprises me. the way it captures. i have already seen a red leaf. but instead of taking a picture and leaving it for another to see, i brought it home in my pocket.

my poet is better this morning. (or he was when i left) i went to the Merc and brought protein smoothies, no-chicken noodle soup, mango sorbet on a stick and peaches. maybe that will make up for that dreadful dinner of last night. i do not feel better today, but i am trying not to take any more drugs, so i will bear the headache and the chest pains when coughing. oh boo hoo…!! i will take drugs for sleep though! i like them! mmmmm. fake nyquil!

we are still a sickHouse. it is now tiresome. i went back to work, still coughing and with a headache and just feeling … bad. but i did not want to miss class and there is no one there to do my work. mi poeta seems to be deteriorating and is even sicker. instead of feeling kind, i am feeling cranky. maybe because it seems like men are always big babies when they are sick, women always have to get up and care for everyone. i also just don’t have patience with sickness. it makes me feel very mean, so i am staying back in my artRoom. i glued some more pages, almost two gluebooks full of taiwanese ephemera made this weekend. then what? am i going to do with all these empty books? they have no content. i am happy preparing them in various ways, but have no ideas for content. just like when i made quilts, i could design and make borders till i popped, but no centers. empty inside? it seems so. and then i begin to feel worried and guilty. what if he is really terribly ill and better care should be taken of him? but how? it seems he has not been well since moving and that does worry me. maybe he is not happy here after all? maybe he is disappointed? i am notorious for being disappointing, i guess.

i suppose i am slightly depressed today. worried about my love, worried about my girls, worried about money. bleh. it’s like MONDAY or something.

and what a horrible dinner i made. i won’t even describe it. i really just wanted to eat potato chips, i think. hmmmm. now that i have reclaimed this journal, i don’t even feel guilty about not having a picture in each entry. i am liking this.

today we are both sick. i am not in the office.
since friday, mi poeta has suffered from muscle aches and lethargy. saturday morning i woke with a wicked sore throat, which was worse yesterday. i had 3 pills with codeine hoarded, took one and had a fine day at the artTable making gluebooks from the Taiwanese ephemera the girls brought me. and “business cards”. ha. they are really tiny little artCards. but today … ugh. worse. we are both pathetic. yet he kindly went to the store for Throat-Kote tea, lemonade and cough medicine. for some reason, i don’t mind being ill myself, but i cannot stand to see him feeling bad.

i wonder if i take more codeine if i can sit at the artTable? i hate just blobbing around feeling crappy, unable to function. it feels such a waste. neighbors are moving into the house across the street. it is a huge house. there seem to be only two of them … 40-ish maybe? … there are two moving trucks. who needs that much stuff?

“business” card : front
actual size 2×3″ : mixed papers, paint, glaze on recycled photo

“business” card : back
actual size 2×3″ : mixed papers, paint, glaze on recycled photo

uh oh. bad idea.
i decided to hoard my *good* Golden varnish and use up the Liquitex varnish instead, to finish the small cards. the Liquitex caused both the red of the stamped graphic *and* the printed text to blur and run slightly. ugly. i guess i won’t bother gilding the edges now … oh well. it was only about 2 dozen. perhaps best to just print, hmmm?

i have decided to reclaim this journal.

it seems i need a place to write down everydayType things. make notes of things. i keep forgetting small details. sometimes even larger ones. mi poeta asked on a friday evening: “which meal did you like best this week?” he has been cooking dinner most every night. suddenly, i couldn’t remember! it was a little frightening. of course i could get one of those little calendar books like my mother keeps on the table near her nest, but i am a modern woman. i like to keyboard. and i like to do things online. i do have a writing-in book, but only seem to use it when i am away. and i’m tired of livejournal, even though there are people i love there. i tried blogger, other things. i don’t really like using processed blog systems, even though they are so convenient. i want something easy and clean with little fuss, but MINE. maybe this is it. i am also tired of flickr, even though it was interesting at first and there are such nice people there. it is just too … busy. i want to present images differently and even though it is more work to “do it myself”, i think i need to do that. so i will.

as much as i enjoy journalling online, and even though it is obviously an exhibitionary activity, i don’t like the feeling of performance, or “community”. too much pressure to entertain and be social can stifle authenticity (for me). at times, i have fretted over stats and have been self-conscious of “audience”. at first i was a little sad to see a lack of visitation occur, but now i feel sort of a relief and freedom. i am not going to write to an audience. not like that. with an awareness. this is just mine. for now. a documentation of a simple life and some artMaking.