cobaltika

i’ll be sort of away from this public place most of this month, most likely. yes, i have to play with pictures a little - and once in a while i will pop in with one and a short update. i am entering the heart of transition and have very little energy for art and public journaling. damn i can barely read a book in bed. my mind is everywhere. it is terribly hot and i am stomping or biking around the streets in 100 degree weather, looking at rentals and leaving applications. then going home and wondering and comparing and packing. i am ranting a bit, but it is filtered at liveJournal, because i am not really comfortable sharing my Deep Personal Stuff in public for the last few years. sometimes i blush and cringe to recall.

anyway, i *will* get settled again, i’m sure. i’ll even have an artSpace again (it’s mostly boxed up already) and i’m sure i will make lots and lots of new pictures. won’t i? (please?)

stay cool…

jamcam manipulation of local church-turned-condo

so the weekend was so-so. i’m really over summer. i am too agoraphobic in summer. i did not go out and ride my bike. i did not go out to the farmer’s market. i *did* clean up a bunch of website stuff. laundry. finished a couple dozen handmade biz cards (gasp! at the artTable!). um. talked to my mother. watched two films. and spent many hours in the dark dank spider-infested basement in a state of nostalgia, cleaning and sorting the girls’ boxes of STUFF. god i hope they don’t mind that i threw out lots of bottles of dried up nailpolish, crusty lipglosses and keychains with dirty fluffy things on them. etc. and Teen magazines. sorry, chickies! somehow i ended up with a nice fatStuffed trashcan in the alley again. that was the only time i went outside, to lug things out. it was nauseating. so hot and bright. give me nice gloomy autumn days again, please. i can’t wait!

man-eating plants : arcata california

what … *are* these plants??

this is not a trick of perspective. they really *are* that big, about the height of a person or higher. they seem to be some kind of lupine or veronica on steroids.

i would like to know…

ok. c’mon, all you people trying to tempt me with california. tell me!

i am going through a pretty unsettling time and am certainly not feeling very artful lately. i am glad to still have a few images from california to play with. even though looking at them only adds to my confusion and sense of division and imbalance. it is so frustrating. it seems to be the ultimate libran period of my life. normally i tend to have trouble with indecision, but this seems very bad. and i have to make the decisions and plans myself. no one to lean on. yes, others to consider. and their disappointment. not all can be pleased at the outcome. i can’t please everyone. (though i long to) now i am older, risks feel so much more dangerous. even more so than when i had two small daughters. the economy sucks. i should feel lucky and grateful to have a stable (for now) job. why can’t i just settle down for a bit longer? hang in there? (ride the hamster wheel) no. i want to FLY. but Where? that is a problem. and then comes How. i know i know. this is convoluted and vague. i don’t write much of my personal life here in public any longer and only a few are familiar with my dilemma. i don’t know why i am writing this now, in fact. maybe i wanted to apologize for my artlessness (to who?). or feel real in public. or something. maybe i want someone to send a magic wand. fairy dust of confidence and possibility. the ability to read the symbols and signs. god life is awkward. does it *ever* get easier? EVER?

i’m clearing out my Etsy shop, in preparation for a move, to where i’m not sure, but i’m sure it will be teeny-tiny. i don’t know what kind of work i will be doing next, but it will likely change and i think i will start trying to sell on my website again. or maybe in person? or maybe not at all? all i know is that it is time for a change. maybe lots of changes. i’ve reduced my prices ridiculously at Etsy and *only* at Etsy. if i put my work up for sale again, it will not be at such idiotic prices! i just want some of it to move on to new homes. maybe yours?