today is better. i decided to perk myself up by wearing my elf boots, some patchouly, not brushing my hair and carrying my pencam on the way to the office. i was 15 minutes late, but so what. i don’t take smoke breaks and never go to lunch. the redbuds are late this year, but finally out. mmmmmmm. on gray days they are perfect. i ruminated while i wandered (but not in the bad way) and began writing a little book. it was nice.
i guess for some people, early spring is an energetic time, blood flows more smoothly, bodies lighten up. i think it must take me a while to thaw. this week has been awful with sleeplessness, anxiety and zero energy. it is rather depressing. in fact, i went to the Merc yesterday to buy some GABA, hoping that will help. maybe i should get some valerian, too? last night was a little better, but it took FOREVER to fall asleep. i know part of it is about travel anxiety, because we were to go on a little roadtrip this weekend and into next week, but i know it is more than that. maybe it is just seasonal…i *like* being cozy and hidden away indoors and under layers of clothing in the winter and it is very hard to “come out” in the spring. and the time change. bleh.
regardless, i think i have worried us out of our trip and we may only take a little weekend jaunt instead. i don’t even *like* arkansas (except for the interior of eureka springs, where we can’t go, for reasons i won’t go into now), it gives me the creeps, and i was having dreadful visions. but it was south and close, and there are state parks. yet i keep shuddering every time i think of going there. i guess i’m a big baby. or maybe i should just pay attention and forgive myself. i would rather go to the prairie and to some of the little towns out there i have never seen. or save money to go somewhere really wonderful (italy!)
and needless to say, i have not been near my artTable this week. every evening, come home, whine a little (poor poet), dinner, read, sleep try to sleep. no digging in the garden either. ugh. come back, energy. please?
amazing! i actually carried my pencam on the way to the office last week. it was behaving very nicely i must say and we had a great deal of fun. now the work is done and i am ready to play. i feel slightly nervous about free time, i am so not-used to it. of course i must come to the office every day, but NO work when i go home. wow! what will i do? art or something? for sure i must quit spending money. for some reason, when i have too much work, i tend to eat more, drink more (BAD me!) and Buy Things. not frivolously, but things i need or have wanted for a long time. i don’t think i’ve impulsed shopped in years and can be very rigid about spending money. until i am overworked. and then i feel like i deserve those things. weird. but i now have a coat and shoes i needed and um. well. photographers (sic) *do* need proper tools … right? ahem. we also have much good food in the house. and then a bit of naughty stuff, too, as betsy loves to bake!
i feel very content lately.
still an architectural structure, but not a HOUSE, at least. i am almost boring myself to tears with my image subjects lately. but for some reason, i am drawn to architectural elements and found objects, man-made things, etc. much more than natural things. yes, i have loved learning to play with a camera in wild places this summer, but i wonder if i will ever prefer wandering with camera in a rural field instead of an edgy urban alley? oh well. variety is good.
it is rainy, cold and bleak today. for some reason i am missing my girlies BIG and wish i could go home and find them there. even with the TV blaring and the kitchen a mess. i wouldn’t mind at all. not today. but my poet will be there and i am glad for that. he is not messy! and we don’t have TV. our homelife is pretty serene. but sometimes i miss the … Rowdiness. so much. i will walk home and find cozy clothes, eat my good dinner, write my medieval art history paper, ready the laptop for betsy. then read. then sleep. it feels like winter is beginning … already. soon i will be snapping houses in the snow …
today is much better. luckily if i get cranky or a little depressed, it doesn’t seem to last for long. i am pretty content for the most part. whew. i *have* been trying to battle the Sameness. walking different routes in the morning. taking different cameras. *trying* for different shots, but it seems like every image i have made in the past few months is a HOUSE. WTF? at least here is a different house. it is stark and not vintage. maybe it is an apartment building? i can’t remember. i *am* seeing new things.
and still i battle the artTable. last night after an interesting dinner of pork chops (actually tofu cooked in a pan, which was another battle … trying to eat it! oh i love the dinners of my poet, but a slab of tofu … i just could NOT! i lost!), butternut squash and steamed chard, i staggered to my space. new stuff had come from MisterArt (jugs of Golden Soft Gel, more gluestick and foam brushes and a couple of new paints and a glaze to try), so i was feeling a little adventurous and started working on 4 canvas boards … NOT books! hooray! i wonder if i can do it?
the office is like a tomb today. it is fall break and no one is here, except for another quiet person in her office. i am alternating between braindead work and some play (shhhh), listening to RadioDavidByrne on iTunes. god it’s good. every. single. piece. i wonder if there is a playlist? i wish!
i am still obsessing over that tree, even though its end is near. this is the view from the alley, i think. or maybe from the next street over. where there is a gap between houses and the rising sun sets it on fire each morning. just as i am walking to the office. yum. in the afternoon, i walk home right under it and kick its leaves. i slept until daylight today, waking many times in the night, going back to another interesting dream. most involved some type of distress. they were all bizarre. lazy this morning. maybe we will go to the farmers market. it will finish soon. definitely to the free books at the library. like i *need* more old books to play with. but you never know what treasures you will find there! what else? groceries are needed. the kitchen floor is rather embarrassing. a friend of the poet’s and his sweet baby will come to visit today, but i might take the time to myself and paint or glue, rather than wander with them. i could probably use some solitary time, hmmm?
i am feeling restless and longing for … i don’t know. some kind of change, i suppose. i’ve been here for seven years, closing in on seven years at the office. this is incredible for me, the gypsy. do i have a seven-year-itch? awkward having it in combination with Fear. someone is already drumming this morning. a few houses down. or somewhere? surely it’s too early for homecoming game racket at the stadium? which we will hear all afternoon…it’s ok. i rather like it. i liked hearing the street party downtown last night, too, bouncing off the neighborhood houses. i heard funk music, one of the favorites on my iPod. i wanted to dance.
i could not be happier for this week to be finished. it seems i am back into the mode of living for the weekend. i do not like that. i try to maintain a pleasant state of mind on the weekdays, but the office time seems very long lately. i have been carrying cameras every day. mostly just to capture certain views of the most wonderful orange tree. and working at the artTable a LOT. maybe soon i will start to scan some of the pages of the books. they don’t make one bit of sense. they are just like collage sketchbooks or something. uniform and random at the same time. i’m trying to remember exactly what my poet said about them … not like sketchbooks, but some kind of preparatory work. i wish i could remember. he always says things so nicely. but that could be. if just i could expand upon them without getting all freaked out by the canvas. i don’t know. also it seems i am spending (or about to spend) a lot of money. hell. i don’t even know how i HAVE money. but i managed to buy betsy’s plane ticket from boston to austin for thanksgiving. and i am about to buy a new mac so i can give her mine to replace her stolen one. that all makes me nervous. since i spoke to my boss about the possibility of reduction of hours next year, i might be in some kind of hoarding mode, procuring things now knowing i won’t be able to next year. i wonder how long those big jars of Golden Soft Gel Matte will last? ha ha. i will be FORCED to find a new way to generate income. hopefully it will be something fun and creative? this is all just babble. bergman films are rather depressing. i still keep wanting to sew again. the end.