cobaltika

i did manage some images on sunday. the usual types of things. neighborhood grunge. it always pays to look closely, though, because i had *never* seen this door and knob before and now i am in love with it.

this week some type of crisis seems to be occurring within. or maybe i am just cranky. but the irritation level seems very high. mostly about art, though it bleeds into everything else, too. i think i am realizing that i am essentially nothing. and apparently with little talent or skill. *nothing* is working on the artTable. yes. the little pieces for encounteredArt. those are fine and fun. but as soon as i try to move on to something bigger, something i have in my head, block. nothing. it can’t manifest. sometimes i am so tired of trying. yet each night i do it. try and fail again. last night i finally got into the nest at 8pm so i would not have to deal with it any longer.

i know i have acquired some skill with the camera. but for some reason, an image on a monitor does just not have the value of something tangible (to me). i want texture, transparency, pale layers of color, secret stories and wandering lines. why can’t it work???

a visit to the old house again.

it was way too dangerous to go in, but at least one could poke all around this time without getting STUNG by the nettles.

no i did not go to the cemetery after all. by the time i left work and walked to where i had left my car, i knew by the time i drove east, it would be near dark and i would have missed the pink and gold. so i went home and felt a little cranky. eating the ‘ween candy did not help i’m sure. i walked in the neighborhood for a while and felt sad, because halloween festivities have changed so much in just a couple of years. the largest percentage of houses were dark and uninviting. not as many little beggars to our house, so we gave away as much candy as possible because the leftovers are so dangerous. perhaps one day i will really learn to only buy candy i HATE, and not those little snickers and kisses and peanutbutter cups, etc.

this Canon seems to do poorly at night shots. i tried to use one of the night settings, but recoiled when the flash blasted out. ugh. flash. ick! luckily i like blurry stuff. i have not fallen in love with her and i feel awful because i didn’t even name her. i think we may not be joined for too long. she does some very nice things, but we have just not clicked in an intimate and chemical way.

the grindstone continues this week. my poet’s illness lingers. i feel a little desolate.

a fairly peaceful week here. moving along quickly. sometimes it seems as if the *day* in the office will never end, yet suddenly i realize it is already … thursday. and time is really moving terribly quickly. this week has been very autumnal and beautiful. mi poeta had a birthday this week. i am not big on traditional celebrations and he has no expectations that i *will* be, but we had a sweet evening. we had dinner downtown at Indo, which, no matter if it is the same or not, is *not* as tasty as Pochi. he had his first bubble tea! we came home and watched a slick made-for-BBC-tv video and ate chocolate brownies which i actually made. and he can now purchase a stack of poetry books at half-price books, come home and eat organic chocolate with rosehips while he reads in his kissmyface bubble bath.

otherwise, i am spending a good deal of energy resisting a bladder infection (yuk!) and pondering the fact that i have not shown any art in my journal or updated my site this entire year. yes i know … photos out the butt, and i love them, but somehow they are just not the same as *handwork*. i am taking mental stock of the work i have done this year and realize it is almost all book art. 3 books to completion, 2 which were gifts for the girls. the rest prepared books or some type of gluebook. i keep thinking i should scan them. why am i so lazy about that? (because scanning is tedious and it is more fun to glue and paint!). yes, i have done a bit of work on paper or canvas, but it is in the corner waiting to be worked over. worthless stuff. i have many projects and ideas in my head. i am always visualizing. but of course it is the same old story … by the time i get home yada yada doo … i have also been doing (too) much surfing and finding much inspiring stuff. in fact, i am often amazed. i need to update tesoros badly. but i think i want to change the system. i love this little journal, it is simple and clean and easy to work with. i am also thinking of updating my whole art site. it is a million years outdated.

if it seems like all i do is wander around and point and click in my neighborhood lately, that would be somewhat true. i have also been working on LOTS of reconstructed books that i have not a clue what i shall do with, liberating books from the library free sale, eating and Buying Stuff. so not a very productive weekend, but fairly good. i have money-spending anxiety. but i realize i am in sort of a depression-era-stocking-and-hoarding mode. i’m not sure why. i can’t *really* afford to work only half-time. what was i thinking? today i made a soup of anasazi beans, tomatillos, mexican squash and peppers. the best part was the peppers, roasting them in the oven and sliding the skins off. they smelled so good. i pretended i was in new mexico again. maybe someday. then i forced my ass out of the artChair for a little walk this evening.
more pictures.

looking forward with current vision.

maybe these photos from the wetlands last weekend were not a true accident. but instead are relevant? well. if that were absolutely true, they would be much darker, less colorful and much more blur. i am always rather retarded about camera settings, but the accident of forgetting to turn off the macro seems to have created … nailpolish pictures! and this *does* seem representative of my feelings for the week. maybe some of it has to do with the blatant reminder that another year has passed, but more and more i am wondering what the hell i am doing with my one precious life. it seems NOTHING. going to my job each day, sitting there for 92 hours per day, with really not that much to do. awaiting payday. paying everyone. i’m not getting ahead. i’m barely keeping up. and there is not much chance of that situation improving. the artStuff. still sad. but i’m still forcing my hands to be busy each evening. just glueing shit down. rubbing gesso around. if nothing else, i will have a pile of prepared books stacked in a corner when they find me on my deathbed.

soon i may just have to take a leap. be brave. after all, when the girls left to go to school, and my income was reduced by 1/3 and i didn’t see how i was going to do it … i’ve done it. if my income were reduced by 1/2 could i still? GULP. (i don’t see how!!!) would i finally be forced to use my artSkills to create income for myself? would i be forced to live my DREAM? (or would i have to work the midnight shift at the KwikShop?) i don’t know. but i am considering finding out.

yesterday. the most amazing sky EVER. all day. errands and chores in the morning. sandwiches of garlic bread, cheese and avocado and rosemary potato chips. to The Swamp (which seemed more a Prairie at this time). wandering off the path through clouds of asters. wild sunflowers everywhere, arching over secret celebrations. the other side of the swamp equivalent to the other side of the equinox. changing leaves. the path with monarch guidance. timid turtles sliding into the brilliant duckweed. what a beautiful walk. riding high one barely needs the assistance of the mechanical eye to see (but it is such fun to capture and save). home to work. a long talk with margaret. real popcorn and Il Grido on laptop theatre. sweet dark sleep.

today. work study work study. (heh. probably.)

note to self: more Antonioni please. what visuals!