072208
i am going through a pretty unsettling time and am certainly not feeling very artful lately. i am glad to still have a few images from california to play with. even though looking at them only adds to my confusion and sense of division and imbalance. it is so frustrating. it seems to be the ultimate libran period of my life. normally i tend to have trouble with indecision, but this seems very bad. and i have to make the decisions and plans myself. no one to lean on. yes, others to consider. and their disappointment. not all can be pleased at the outcome. i can’t please everyone. (though i long to) now i am older, risks feel so much more dangerous. even more so than when i had two small daughters. the economy sucks. i should feel lucky and grateful to have a stable (for now) job. why can’t i just settle down for a bit longer? hang in there? (ride the hamster wheel) no. i want to FLY. but Where? that is a problem. and then comes How. i know i know. this is convoluted and vague. i don’t write much of my personal life here in public any longer and only a few are familiar with my dilemma. i don’t know why i am writing this now, in fact. maybe i wanted to apologize for my artlessness (to who?). or feel real in public. or something. maybe i want someone to send a magic wand. fairy dust of confidence and possibility. the ability to read the symbols and signs. god life is awkward. does it *ever* get easier? EVER?
20080722 5:28 pm
I asked my father (who is 74) and he said no. Bummer.
But then I was thinking about it, and isn’t that what makes all of life an adventure? The uncertainty? I mean if we knew the outcome — any of it — wouldn’t it be incredibly boring? Art would lose its spontaneity and magic and everything would have the dull ring of the familiar.
I know this doesn’t help now, when you are torn by uncertainty, and I’m sure many of your friends feel as I do, wishing they could ease you over the transition. But the good thing is it means you are ALIVE and still open to change. And that’s sort of great.
20080722 6:50 pm
thanks, you.
bummer indeed. but yeah. it would be boring … if all were too easy.
it’s just hard to live in a time/age of FEAR (terror?) after being brave and wild for so long.
blech!
i shall overcome. i’m sure.
ALIVE.
20080723 12:06 am
dammit bobbi, i would send a magic wand your way if i could. for what it’s worth i think this is a time of indecision and upheaval for many of us… i for one am glad you’re gonna FLY. don’t ask me why, i just Feel this.
looking very forward to my new cobaltika art…
20080724 8:34 am
I don’t know if it helps, but you’re not alone. I think it might be our age–a natural transition now that the kids are grown–a sort of ok-now-what stage. I work with many who see this as the settling down time–redo the house, get ready for grandkids, golf, scrapbook, but you aren’t that person (me, either, I hope). You also are no longer tied to a place … the world is large … looming … inviting … scary.
It’s heady … and fraught with disaster … but ah the possibilities.
The only magic wand I have is to say that after reading your thoughts for several years, I have faith you’re going to continue to do something fabulous–there or elsewhere. Besides, you have to jump first so I can follow your lead. ;-)
jb
20080724 11:09 am
Hi Bobbi–I understand some of what you’re saying. I am on my 3rd career, and it’s not what I thought it would be, so I find myself wishing I could just step out of the office drone thing until I can “figure out what I want to do.” I get frustrated because I don’t “make enough art.” I have no kids so at least I don’t have the empty nest thing. Retirement is 20 years away at least.
perhaps the only thing I can say is that we are here to help each other through this journey. Discovering your work recently has been a bright spot for me. I hope knowing that helps.
Take care of yourself–
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