061507
lately i have felt even more scattered and unfocussed and all over the place. i have been fairly productive (not this week, really) but i feel as if i am flinging my energies all over and avoiding … something. i am piddling. dicking around. being a chickenshit. i don’t know what i want to DO and i am avoiding looking at that question too closely (afraid of the answer?), so i just keep my hands busy and my mind empty and hope it will come to me, my true task. i have been waiting for years and years. i so admire people who have clarity in vision and focus and produce from there, growing and risking, but always in a direction, not just random wandering and frequent regression. i am talking about creative work, not life in general, although of course they mesh and merge.
it really seems that at my age, i should be more than a dilettante by now, and be on my path. sometimes i blame my lack on astrology … it is so hard for libra to DECIDE … sometimes i blame it on not acquiring an MFA … i don’t know how to conceptualize and was not given PERMISSION and legitimacy … sometimes i blame it on my life choices. nah. that is bullshit. even with children, even as a single mother, even as a fulltime drone, i have been exceptionally productive.
i look at my artTable (and the boxes in the basement) piled with finished works of cloth paper paints oh everything, some quite wonderful. i look at my flickr stream (and worse, my hard drive) gobbed with images, some quite wonderful. it is all very schizophrenic and jumbled. such an assortment. i can’t see a pattern, just layers of texture and effort and i wonder what it is all ABOUT. what am i supposed to DO with this stuff? what am i supposed to DO with my talents? i know i have them, i just don’t know how to use and present them. i am so tired of piddling and avoiding. i wish for direction and clarity.
this is just a midday mindstream, induced by 5 days of fluorescent prison. i know there are not answers. just wonderings. same as it ever was. move along!