060207
2 June 2007
another gray/green damp saturday. i really don’t mind, since we are staying home. the extravagance of a weekend car and overnight in an inn didn’t seem wise this weekend, even though our “extravagances” are modest. instead i want to spend the weekend at the artTable and dim light and cool air is best for that when the artTable is in a non-insulated porch room with two big skylights. this week i became determined to work in the evenings when i came home, even though i have been frustrated by doing the same work (preparing books for questionable purposes) over and over. i *need* to work on things i can actually sell. i *want* to work on paintings. big ones. but the books are easy and mindless, so i keep doing them.
on the evening of determination, i went to my studio after dinner. i had not one idea. i could not find the pictures in my head. but i made myself stay there and did not allow myself to pick up a book in progress. my poet wandered back and i wanted to kill him, poor man. i didn’t want anyone to share my state of extreme frustration, one that i could not put into words. besides i didn’t want to talk i wanted to MAKE. finally some of the pictures came back and i started piddling on some new small pieces. i started to like them. then i couldn’t sleep i had so many ideas … so i am working on things again and will soon show. i will put some samples on etsy, but mostly i think i will have my own gallery on my site.
i thought about many things during that frustrating evening and i realized how much i need privacy and solitude when i am trying to begin work. my studio does not have a door and i am not very good at voicing my needs, but we did talk a little about it later in the week. i realized that lack of space is not the only issue about not making big paintings again. it is also lots of FEAR … and also because i am so intimidated and insecure about Big Painting, that i need total privacy, which is not possible in the house, really … i mean i don’t even want anyone to walk in and LOOK when i’m not here … oh i don’t know. maybe these are just excuses.
i also want to sew some skirts.
and my camera really likes this gray light. even though she is bored of rainy alleys…