070906
despite a holiday making this a short week, it feels interminable. the office is very quiet, though i always have plenty of “busyWork”, which i can put off for years. the fluorescents feel so bright, and my brain and spirit feel sucked right away. i seldom complain about my work now, as i did a couple of years ago. i am mostly resigned to it. there is really no choice. it is a very decent place to work and the pay is ok. my boss is not a micro-manager and i have much autonomy. i have paid vacations and sick time and insurance. there are no creepy people here to deal with. i have lots of debt. and two daughters in college who still have occasional financial need. but sometimes it all seems painfully meaningless. being here every day for 9 hours. sometimes i feel like i have so little time to myself and for the things that seem most important. yes, living with my poet has changed things a little, but in a sweet way, really. i love my time with him and he is *not* demanding. he knows i am not a sit-on-the-sofa-and-hold-hands type when i come home. but i may as well be, for the amount of energy i have left at the end of the day. i just do not have creative energy left. and there is so much to DO on the weekends, that when i steal a day, spending it at the artTable, it means something else is NOT getting done, that also needs doing. and i am a person with a very simple life, really. it seems i just don’t organize well and conserve my energy perhaps? i don’t know! but lately i feel i am wasting my life. dribbling away my days.
i also catch myself dribbling away “my time”, too. piddling at the artTable, not brave enough to work on the (millions of) things in my head, knowing there is not enough time and energy to focus anyway, so why bother? instead just working on JUNK. little CRAP. never any attempt at marketing myself. hell. what would i market anyway? i look at my images and know they are good. but what do i do with them??? something bothers me about an image in a mat in a frame. i kept trying to make *objects*, stand-alone items, involving the images, but they turned to glop. i realize i started this when i did not have confidence in my images, perhaps i was trying to disguise them somehow? acknowledge that they were less important? now i see they are good. but i still don’t know where to go with them. and i still wish to make objects - composed of many materials, the ones i love to glue together, but i have been greatly inhibited about trying the new things and instead continue with the old things i am sick of. god it is frustrating. all of it! and on top of it all i now want a sewing machine so i can start working with cloth again! but i’m sure i would be too damn lethargic and busy to do the things i wish with *that* too. ERF.