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not much to write about this week so far. it is rather Same. ploddingness. not sleeping well on many nights, like waking at 4:30, not really worrying, but just unstoppable thoughts. monkeymind. like this morning. finally my back hurt and i was almost depressed from just lying there, so up i am. it’s cold. i need to dig out my flannel nightgowns and wooly socks now. last night we had the heat on a little. tonight is supposed to be colder. i love fall and am usually happier and feel excited when the cold comes. not quite feeling it yet, but i do love the smell of the dead leaves when i walk to work.
i feel a little deadened from the Sameness lately. i do like having a peaceful life and a sweet partner. and i guess a stable job and steady income are a good thing (even though the in/out balance remains the same). the office has felt so dull lately. i have busy work, sure, but i am not very needed. and sitting there all day feels meaningless and soul-sucking, more so than ever. i even talked to my boss about reducing to half-time next year. but how could i possibly afford that?
i think the worst is that i just seem to have no *interior* excitement. i don’t really depend on outside things to motivate and please me. sure, i like road trips and change of scenery, sometimes the mental alteration from a couple glasses of harsh red wine, or a new garment … something like that. but mostly i create my own stimulations … inside. lately there seems to be not much in there. occasionally a flash. this is mostly related to art and creativity. i am almost always having ideas inside, even when my hands are not working. but they are dwindling and becoming more precious. i’ve tried to keep my hands busy through this dull period, but that also feels meaningless. i am just *wasting* all that damned expensive golden soft matte stuff. last week i had a spurt of working on The Books, but now i just look at them and think WTF. WHY? i have no content for them. nothing to say. maybe i could just sell prepared books and let someone more inspired finish them? i need to create a product. or at least a body of consistent work. i know i have made lots of images. some of them good and interesting, but they are not Tangible. they are just digital files on a computer. pictures on a monitor. that is not enough for me.
i need to learn a way to keep the bit of excitement that *does* manifest alive and work with that in the evenings. but how???? it just fucking drains away. by 2pm i am a shell. this has been my whole life. i am so tired.