December 26 - 30. 2001 : : To the Ocean...and Onward

This morning i found my car covered with pigeon shit from sitting in the spooky car courtyard for 5 nights....eeeeeew! i had a little fun maneuvering the one-way streets and the delivery trucks in the early morning Quarter, on a coffee hunt, parked illegally...."i was loading, officer...REALLY....loading some coffee into this cup!!" Didn't need the prepared statement though. And away....sigh. i really really love the French Quarter.

This day was spent driving. i wanted to sleep by the ocean, so wanted to go as far to the east and north as i could in one day, to have a shorter drive next day and a longer play time. Finally. 10pm and i can hear the sea. i visualized where i wanted to stay. Budget is diminishing rapidly, and it really *is* too cold for sleeping on the beach tonight....but if it weren't i could easily have laid my blanket out in the sea grasses and slept like a baby gull. So i imagined a small, sorta sleazy very cheap old motel right by the ocean. Not TOO spooky...and under $40...hopefully with food very nearby and perhaps a pot of coffee in the morning. Very very close!....sleazy, $36/night, pot of coffee 8am...had to go about 4 blocks to a bar for the take-out (more oysters!! i'm addicted), but came back, checked mail, found Kurtis is STILL doing poorly and i'm STILL scared. Even in the joy of this travelling, i've worn an invisible gray veil of fear and secret prayer. i walked to the ocean for a prayer and to see the shell bits shining in the moonlight. You can walk far out there tonight. i've never seen tide that low. i was the only one out there. i wasn't cold. i have my big new soft coat from the Goodwill. ohtakecareofKurtis. please. please. make him better NOW. please please please.

i'm glad i have incense. This room smells like a million people have smoked for a million years. It made me laugh when i opened the door. It was so RIGHT. But i will hear the sea all night. ALL night.

i wonder if i will be able to sleep.

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It was strange sleeping with the seasong in my ears all night, so loud even through the windows and the ugly plastic drapes. Yeah, i kept them closed, the yellow bug/security lights on the balcony were too gruesome. And yeah, i kept my flannels on...and my sox...and a sweater...it was COLD. Almost as if i WERE sleeping right on the beach, but certainly not AS cold. i didn't want to turn on the heat because it was one of those rattling metal fixtures under the window and i knew it would drown out the sea. There were blankets.

i hypnotized mySelf before sleeping to wake in time for sunrise. And i did. WELL before, but i didn't want to go back to sleep, so i wrote some email and waited. Sunrise comes quick and fast over the ocean. As soon as i saw the sky color begin to change, i grabbed camera and threw on big coat and headed out...nighty flannels and socks.

It was beautiful. i was so glad to witness the arrival of morning over the ocean. My feet were frozen though. And i didn't dip them in the sea. Oh i know, the sea water would probably have been warmer than the air, but i didn't. i think i was a little afraid of the dark huge sea...so early in the morning.

Back on the road again, for what i thought would be a quick jaunt up to Baltimore. i had been warned about Washington, but i didn't get it. Just some traffic, i can handle a little traffic. If it's too bad i can get off and go around. Now i get it. i will NEVER drive a moving vehicle or willingly ride in one in a 50 mile vicinity of Washington. My roadwarrior spirit was crushed to dust and i became a cursing babbling sobbing idiot trapped on I-95. i tried to be cool, or at least act it, because i could see everyone around me appeared cool...do they really do that EVERY day? i don't understand. For 2 hours i sat on the highway, barely moving, having to pee, starving. i didn't have a clue how to skirt the area, or even how long it might take me to go over into an exit lane. i kept expecting it would begin to flow any minute, but no. Even when i finally made it to 495 and began to head north and was able to go a bit faster for a while, then it piled up and stopped again...took the wrong highway to Baltimore, 295 the Parkway, and same thing, with no way turn around. So i just kept going forward.It was True Hell. But i finally arrived, much later than i had hoped, with only limited time to visit my friend, i hated every minute wasted in the traffic. i was frazzled and lost and had to call the desk person at my hotel about 3 or 4 times to be handheld to the hotel. And worth it to finally arrive...ohgodyes.Warm, kind, soothing and containing my friend, waiting for me in the lobby by the fire. i chose to stay at the Admiral Fell Inn, a budget-buster, but a treat and just where i wanted to be, this kind of neighborhood, good for walking around in and close enough to the big city if i want to go there. We walked out for a beer and some traditional crabcake for my welcome meal. YUM! i had never had one, so had to be taught how to consume it properly. Yum! Then a short walk, it was cold and my friend was coming down with a bug.

Next morning, after fueling with coffee and a little breakfast at my hotel, we headed out to a favorite cemetery, to show me the angels. i have not seen angels in my cemetery, or seldom in my travels at all and wondered if Baltimore held some kind of franchise for cemetery angels? i LOVED his cemetery. It was old. And so many parts of it overgrown, statues and angels entwined in vines and brambles. Storybook ivy was green and lush on the ground and wrapping and draping over stones, a milky light of barely exposed sun lit and transformed the whole area. The overgrown foresty areas where ground had heaved and tumbled the stones was most enchanting to me...although i LOVED the angels too. The ones who had tumbled to the ground gained my sympathy. Of course they could not be rescued, but maybe someday someone strong will come along to right them again. i loved wandering there and could have spent much more time, but it was very cold, and time was limited. Not one photo was made, i stored all the images in my mind though. and my heart. When it seemed like my travels would bring me up the east coast to NYC, i was invited to drop in and see the angels. So i did. And i am very very glad. i saw the angels. The finest one was not made of stone.

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In the afternoon i went out to wander and make pictures, but realized i was very very hungry. i was going to the Egyptian food place, but they didn't serve alcohol and i was longing for a glass of red wine, too. So i went a few doors down to the Whistling Oyster, sort of a bar/grill... i sat in the back at a small table by the fireplace. It was sort of divey, not yuppie, which pleased me. Brown and white checked plastic tablecloth. i had a little glass of wine and some seafood chowder and a codcake with crackers. not NEARLY as good as crab but MUCH cheaper!! i was content sitting there with Dylan Thomas and warm food by the fire.

By the time i finished my food and left, the light was almost gone, but i played anyway. i walked by the water and saw the tugboats and loved how the seawater smelled...fishy boat smell. i watched some birds at the end of the pier, duck couples even, and felt suddenly VERY alone. Maybe in contrast to being close to someone dear. And i missed my dad, who also used to love to go "wandering" by the water and boats. i went into a neighborhood that was maybe "rough"...i went by a church and saw in the courtyard a statue of Father Joseph and requested a blessing for Kurtis. Everything was touching me and i kept having tears and feeling too soft.

When i came back to my hotel, i was not ready to be alone all night, so i went down to the little bar and had a glass of wine and read the Dylan Thomas. Not being social. Just not being alone. i can't believe i've gone into bars now. That is SO WEIRD. i wonder if i will ever do such a thing at home? Home? (what's that?)

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Now it is morning and i am still in Baltimore, but i think i am going home today. i wanted to go visit NYC. And i wanted to go hear Patti Smith, who plays Stone Pony tonight in Asbury Park and then two nights in NYC, her birthday and New Years Eve, traditions at the Bowery Ballroom. A person on babelist is offering stay at her flat for a small fee, there would even be a place to stay, or i could be by the ocean again tonight and do the Stone Pony show. But it's been a week of travelling and suddenly i want to go home and see my kitties and clean up the house before the girls get back. So i'm going home today. After breakfast, i will go out for a few more photos. This little area is so charming and it was almost night by the time i got out last night. Then i will go to the Visionary Art Museum and look. Then begin the long long drive home, probably travelling rough, sleeping on the edge of the road with the truckers, eating in greasy dives, if i stop to eat at all. Keeping as south as possible, hoping to avoid snow and ice, even though i doubt THAT would crush me like Washington did!

Yeah. Time to head back. Want to remember these two weird dream fragments. i woke with some kind of scabby dark marks on my legs, the skin was peeling off in large crispy segments, painlessly, there was new skin underneath, but red and raw, also some more of the scabs. WEIRD! need to look up in dream book. In the other, apparently i was with T again. We were in some kind of vehicle, like a small van. He was driving...there was a young woman in front of me, but not in the passenger seat, there was me and behind me were two friends. He was driving us all somewhere and then we were going to go somewhere together, but he became impatient and turned into this neighborhood. i asked where he was going, he said home, to be dropped off, but i could take his car and drive my friends around. He said we had drained all his energy. i was FURIOUS that he was doing this again, so i demanded to be taken back to the university? Where we had all come from, so i could just take my car. He was resistant, not even wanting to be with us for that long and said he would drop us as near as possible. i didn't say a word, the women in the back were being scornful and i wished they would just shut up, he was being flirtatious with the young woman and i wondered if they had some thing going on. When we arrived i got out slammed the door hard and walked away. Not one word. Does this EVER end???

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Oh lucky me!!! My friend came back for breakfast and play! We walked and looked and made some pictures. It was so peaceful. Then i was treated to the Visionary Art Museum, which both of my sisters INSISTED i must not miss. There were some things quite incredible. i LOVED them! The biographies of the artists were heart-rending. The constructions, complex and detailed, usually made from found or accumulated materials, were awesome. The innocence and faith and attention and focus...i remember those days of working like that. Hippie stuff with beads and even earlier drawings and paintings. Some of the stuff i hated though...Just too dark and focussed on misery and war and psychological torture, even though i respect their right to make the art they feel. Then a panoramic view of the harbor and downtown from Federal Hill. Then i had to go. No more.

So i started driving...West. Through Maryland and Pennsylvania and snow and mountains. Part of West Virginia, then Ohio. More snow, the hallucinatory kind that makes you dizzy. Then Indiana? Illinois....Missouri...finally at 3am i had to stop and nap for less than an hour. Then more driving. But could not stay awake. i was frightened, but too stubborn to stop. Cold water, Cold air, Red-hot cinnamon lifesavers, Coffee. Nothing was working. Finally found a sappy Oldies channel on the radio that i would NEVER have listened to, would have sneered. Never sneer again. It kept me alive. When all else fails on the road, a dramatic and very LOUD singing of oldies, preferably from pre-teen, pre-braincelldeath years will work. Guaranteed. Add in a bit of carseat dancing and one-hand gestures...Wide Awake. No one could see me. Maybe the truckers i passed. And who cares what they thought? i made it home safely. 6am.

So that was my trip. My good holiday! And now i am back here. Back to "normal". Or will be when i leave in a few minutes and go to Kansas City to retrieve the girls and we are all back here. It is starting to feel like "all a dream". But i know i am changed. More than i can tell. It is true that i defied many rules i have set or been given in my life, both small and large. Not too bad. Don't worry, i didn't eat steak, or take any illegal drugs or have wild sex with strangers. i meant to keep a running list of all the rules i broke, but forgot. i would never write them all down here anyway. Some were so silly. Some not. And i STILL can't believe i didn't get a ticket for driving that fast!! (shhhhhhhhhh)

The pieces i worked on in New Orleans, i'm not sure about...will have to look at again. Right now they are buried in the artBox on a table in the studio. i worked on 2 canvas paintings and some heavy paper painting/collages. Then also some tiny pieces from favorite handmade papers that i had hoarded forever. Most of the work seemed sexually charged and i'm really not sure what i think about it...will have to look again.

Kurtis is much better. Healing. Eating peppermint ice cream and being silly again. othankyou.

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In retrospect: i have realized that two things i no longer want in my life are rigidity and falseness. i might do some weird things and stalk the universe like a lonely alien, but i must do it in a spirit of truth....at least to mySelf. (i probably will NOT outfit myself in some femmie department store costume thinking to attract safety and security and companionship!) i really want to be honest and real and more kind and generous. Less self-involved. i want to take risks. Even when it is frightening or difficult and some discomfort and/or sadness might result. But i don't want anyone else hurt at my expense...so balance must be created. And i feel that being rigid and inflexible in attitude and habits will make one old and dull faster than anything. Don't want that. For sure. i want to stay wide open. You just never know when magic will show up. And how. Be Prepared.

Was that my New Year resolution?