December 22-23. 2001 : : Just Being in New Orleans

Wake in the morning and realize i have slept like a baby all night, not moving once even. It's early. Wake slowly...mess around with silly computer and aol. Margaret calls! They are safely in Taiwan with Daddy. Throw on outside cozies and go to get some coffee. Stunned to find beautiful golden light, quiet village and warmth.

Back in to wrestle with computer a little. Finally getting the message from the universe..."do something else with your precious time here"!! But i'm addicted...so off to the cyber cafe, chatting with another about light and photography as we walk down the block. i'm way more social when travelling alone. Grab a coffee and bagel with spinach artichoke creamcheese and sign up for a half hour...read mail, update blog with words that don't manage to convey my joy at being here. Then take off to walk...all over. Things are so familiar here. i love to "come back". Every time i am even more aware. i LOVE to look here. Everything excites me. Especially the layers....how nothing is stripped down and redone, glamorized, newed and remuddled. You can still see the past, sometimes vividly...sometimes secretly. It hasn't been destroyed or denied communication. i love the decrepit layers best, even the layers of humanity in this place....and odors....and sounds. i love how small, almost claustrophobic, the French Quarter is, but then you can go stand by the bigwater....or look up to the west and see the skyscrapers. Or hell. Leave!

i walked into the farmer's market and found boiled peanuts!! i walked into the Marigny, seedy but not creepy to me. It's so gay...and so bohemian. And terribly wonderfully funky. i wanted to see if i could find the Michalopoulos studio again...i DID!

But apparently he no longer invites guests in....sigh....i really wanted to see if the mosaic wall had been completed. Walked and looked, everywhere, trying to capture shadow and light play on the aged stucco and layers of paint and decay. A tall brown house on Esplanade nearly drove me insane. i so wanted to go in....on the side, in the third story were broken empty windows. How i longed to know what was IN THERE...to explore, to know. To feel the stories there. The building was inhabited apparently, but very dilapidated.

Sunlight slithered through the leaves on the trees in front. There was a smell coming from the earth that i remembered from childhood. In Florida, i suppose. A southern smell. i stood there for a long time. Just looking. wishing. To know the stories of that place. Felt overstimulation coming on, so went to spooky garage courtyard with heavy sliding door and brought up art materials. Created a studio in the sleeping/art loft. Took a tiny nap, ate some of those nasty delicious peanuts. Downloaded photos, became restless, as the day became cloudy and even more breezy. Wanted to be out again. And i was hungry for REAL food...not having eaten yesterday really, and not much today.

Walked to Johnny's, had a seafood muffaletta, which was yummy but not fabulous...too much bread for me really. But nice to be in that little hole in the wall out in the world, smelling and seeing and being. Already i am getting used to the being alone, even going to eat. Which really i HATE to be honest. Would almost rather not eat at all, than go alone. But there is too much here to miss. To wait for some companion who may never show up. i took a book. It was fine. Then more walking and looking. No camera this time. Just looking. Windowshopping, seeing the familiar places and the new ones since last time. Funny how much here stays the same. Went to Jackson Square, but couldn't find the card reader who used to walk with her cat and set up a blanket in the grass on the other side of her fence, sprinkle a little catnip on it and the cat would stay...or at least always come back, while she was working....then when she left the cat would follow her home. i KNEW she was magic. Cats are so independent. They won't follow just anyone. i let her read for me last time i was here. i can't really remember what she told me though. But at the time, it seemed very right. Then she gave me a little origami paper with some numbers written in gold. i wonder where that went?

i sat and listened to the blues players in the square. i love the street musicians so much. These were GOOD. It is fine to sit in the park and listen and peoplewatch. So many people from afar. i hear many languages here...wandered more. Listened to more street musicians, these playing hick music in front of the A & P on Royal Street. Wandered down St....uh oh....Ann or Peter??? i wanted to go back and photograph the decrepit courtyard, i could see through an iron gate. it was wonderful!! No worries. i WILL find it.... then back, again on the edge of overstimulation.

Lucky me! i found my sweet crazee friend on AIM! i realized as well as i am doing with this travelling alone thing, sometimes it is difficult to have no one to share the sights and images and thoughts with. That hurts. i don't even really have anyone to call and talk to...girls are too far...family not really interested...no close friends to call. Good thing i have this silly journal. So finding you there was a treat in more than one way! Chatted for too long, as always seems to happen, then up to the artloft, where i have worked until dark and am now writing, but then going back to it. No longer hungry, but will like to go walk the streets at night and watch the folks get nutty. Maybe take the camera tonight. Maybe some hipshots like Traci told me about, or some blurs in the crowd. Have some ideas to play with. i'm so glad i brought this tall white candle. i love being here.

Went back to paint more for a couple of hours. Wonder if there is anyone else in this village who has driven near a thousand miles from home and is in hotel room painting on Saturday night. At Christmas time. And alone. god i would love to meet that person and talk. Just to laugh at ourselves? To know that i am not really a lonely alien? Well, i am learning to be a HAPPY lonely alien, anyway.

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Finally the work kicked in last night and i had even more good hours...felt nice!
Then time to go out into the world again.

i love the freedom of just going out and being in the world, but being able to stay in and do my work if i want. Not having to be anywhere, do anything for anyone. This is a good time for me. Even if a bit lonely. i watch the couples...the married/together ones. The older men look so attractive (some of them) and their wives, i guess my age, sometimes look so ... regular. Suburban? They have those easy-care hairdo's and the kind of clothes that scare me. Handbags. And sometimes pursed mouths. Their men will look at me, as if i am something exotic. Alone, long hair, adventurespirit, i guess the differentness exudes, even though i'm not pretty. Like they would want to take something from me, capture something that is maybe missing in their normal lives. A fantasy, a fling, but not real life. Maybe if i try to be more ordinary, i will capture a companion? What??? Is that what i want??? Just anybody? Only a companion? Something ordinary?? (sometimes. yes.) But i know not really. i need someone ... like-minded. Who believes dreams and magic can co-exist with everyday reality? Oh shut up already!!....this isn't a personals ad.

But i do keep noticing that syndrome. Whatever. Like those other women are safe. settled. secure. loved. But not freaks like me. i can be looked at, considered, fantasized about, maybe even fucked, if i allow. But not secure and safe. With another. Sometimes i see the women look at me, alone and so "adventurous"...as if they might be envious, even though i feel the sneers, too. But trust me, lady. There is nothing here to envy. It's lonely.

It was drizzly last night, on the streets, rain-slicked, neon-shiny everything. Noisy and liquor-stinky. i got my token plastic cup of beer, still caught in the novelty of walking, people-watching and drinking all at same time. When the rain became a bit heavier, would stop under a balcony and listen to music. The Preservation of Jazz. Made me smile. i stayed there a long time and saw one of the doormen looked like i imagined someone i care about across the sea would look, with ... hair. i couldn't stop watching him, in fascination. As if i actually were watching HIM, who i would love to watch. He caught me watching and i felt like a vampire across the street, under a dark balcony, leaning against a pole with my black clothing, drinking beer from a plastic cup and staring. Stayed out for a long time, just wandering and looking and listening, getting a little high. Getting plenty wet. Smiling at lightening. It felt good. So free.

Finally the rain was just too much. Came home. Put dry baggy old t-shirt on. Shoes off. Lit candles and incense. Took rest of beer in plastic cup and small delicate cigar onto balcony. And smoked. Sitting in the wrought iron chair over the lush messy courtyard watching the rain that was by now torrential and flashing lightning and thunder. Bare feet on the railing, chair leaned back, smoking a cigar. Oh please don't tell my mother. It was awesomely pleasant. Cigars, even small ones, last a very very long time. And on a dark damp balcony, there is really nothing to do but just sit and think and watch and smoke it. It was incredibly peaceful. i would never want to take up smoking (cigarettes) as a habit again (i quit over 20 years ago), but i can imagine a small cigar as a pleasant ritual occasionally.

i thought of how i am breaking so many of my "rules" on this trip. How i have been rigid about many things "i don't do this" "i never can do this" "i wouldn't do that". i'm just doing it anyway. Not sure why i am being so rebellious, even about small things. Or things other people might just take for granted, but i deny. i have felt that bad little girl wanting to come out for some time, but she has been too busy being good and working her ass off to have a chance. Already the list of rebellions is long, and before i am home, it will be longer. Guaranteed. i wonder if i will eat a steak? eeeeeeeeeeeewwww....THAT i don't know!!! But i can imagine going to the oyster bar. Oh yes, by this afternoon, that might seem quite a good idea.

i sat smoking even when the balcony ceiling began to leak. i just didn't want to come in. But a small bat flying into my hair encouraged me to come in and get dry. i did. Cozy, with dry smooth cool skin, wet hair wrapped in a tight knot, escaping too quickly, in my candle-lit sitting room, full glass of water sparkling in the light, cigar breath, chatting on AIM with another element in my rebelliousness. Finally to sleep like a contented baby. Smiling, i know.

Woke when i wanted this morning. Got up when i wanted. No coffee here, so must go out. Threw on clothes, brushed teeth and hair, grabbed book. Walked down back streets, passing homeless men, rough boys and elderly couples on their way to Mass, to Croissant D'Or, still my favorite breakfast place. i can't wait to take Betsy there! Lots of thick black coffee, a perfect small spinach quiche, a perfect small table. i stayed for a long time...reading, breakfasting, people-watching. god i love to people watch. Here, especially, because there is such incredible variety. Wandered a bit more, but wanted to come back and write and work this morning, save more wandering for this afternoon. i am perfectly content.

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Worked many hours today. On some tiny pieces. It is interesting working with limited materials and in a not-perfect environment. The light in the artLoft SUX! i wonder what colors i am using?? It is fun to have released rigidity. Wandered some more, bought peaches and more boiled peanuts at the farmer's market, a few gifts to send to family, had an excellent dinner at Rita's, a tiny hole-in-the-wall that was still there after many years: Spicy hot crawfish etouffe and Dixie beer...YUM! Wandered until the sun set. No camera today. Hands were full and it was funny gray-white light after the rain of last night. But sun came out JUST at sunset....beautiful! Maybe wonderful light tomorrow!

Found a new cybercafe, cheaper (uglier!), to post an update. While i was there, read email to discover my baby brother-in-law Kurtis is in critical condition, in ICU in a hospital in Texas...two collapsed lungs, unable to breathe, 106 temp, some unidentifiable pneumonia. i'm scared shitless.